Winter

It’s March. I see that it is currently snowing where I live. I’m still experimenting with my Cipralex and if I didn’t know I was experimenting, I would be thrown in on a massive, psychadelic trip. The good part is, it’s cold and I don’t have an air-conditioner. I hate sleeping in the heat because it’s so uncomfortable and gives me anxiety whenever I can’t fall asleep. So there’s that, and I’m hoping that this summer is going to be a lot cooler than it has been in recent years.

The Experimenting

I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last post. February’s normally mid-term season so I’ve been bogged down with school stuff. So I’m on my 4-day cycle now, and it’s been very interesting. I felt that I should’ve kept going during my 3-day cycle, but moved into a 4-day anyways, but I think that five cycles isn’t enough when it’s this far apart. One of the most interesting things was that I was getting headaches and pretty heavy doses of anxiety and depression at the beginning of the cycle. Before, it used to be at the end of the cycle, and the Cipralex would take care of it, but at the start of the 4-day cycles, it was bad enough that I couldn’t even concentrate. I pushed through anyways, and at my sixth cycle so far, it’s starting to level out. I actually want to stay at this level for now, since I got a couple of things that requires my full, sane attention, like hockey and assignments.

The Experimenting Revelation

I mentioned back in November, when I started blogging again that it was hard for me to quit the Cipralex cold turkey. The symptoms I described above were reminiscent of that time, but I decided to do something about it: I took a tylenol. I wanted to get rid of the headache and the dizziness at least, but it worked way too well. Even the negative self-thoughts were gone.  I felt that needed it’s own, one-sentence, italic’d paragraph on its own because it was that freaking effective. It was incredible. I’d say in less than half an hour, 95% of the physiological symptoms and thoughts were gone. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s a complete replacement for getting off SSRIs, but it’s a hell of a bandaid for it…more like gauze. I’m actually tempted to go back on the Cipralex full-time, get off of it, and try the Tylenol thing to get off of it completely!

The Current Update But all-in-all, things are okay. The student loans here finally figured me out and screwed me on my funding, so now I’m scrambling to find a fast-food job for the time being. There’s a bit of anxiety to that, but for some reason, I’m not too worried. I’m also one more law course away from completing my degree, but another semester for my psychology portion to fully graduate. There’s a bit of anxiety there as I’m trying to figure out what I want to do. Part of me wants to just stay under the radar and live out my life playing a massive amount of hockey, while working at some bullshit job. Add upgrading my marks to get into a masters program, I’m set. But another part of me is wondering if it’s just fatigue from being in school for so long that i just want to take a break. I do want to take a vacation out east and golf along the Atlantic ocean though, or some massive body of water like the Bay of Fundy. I figured if I watched hockey in the west coast of Vancouver, I might as well do this.

Here’s a not so random song. I really got into this band not too long ago, and this song perfectly exemplifies depression and anxiety.

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Reminders

Do you know how pathetic I am?

Audience in unison: “How pathetic are you?”

I’m so pathetic, a douchelord is a better boyfriend material than me.

*canned laughter*

I must be the most pathetic human being on the planet, and yet, there are worse people, in my eyes. People who drives around in their Mercedes-Benz (which is the most overrated motor vehicle in the world, by the way), with the sunroof down, in the rain, while wearing sunglasses, cutting people off because they think they’re better than everybody else, are better than me, apparently. At least, that’s what all the women I’ve ever been interested in are implying; the latest one being Bernadette.

I woke up with my fat cat beached like a whale next to me.

So instead of nudging him off, I let him beach himself against me like said dying whale that purrs, and went on my laptop before starting out my day; even breakfast (which I haven’t been having consistently, and that’s another story). To my unprepared surprise, she wrote about spending time with King Douchelord and how much she’s enjoying it.

Huzzah! I’m worse than a douchelord! I’m worse than someone who’s arrogant as fuck, such as, not cutting people off in traffic.

I should also point out that my 27-hour-ish Cipralex relief has already worn out by now so I was flipping shit…while my cat has beached himself against me….purring no less. So in a way, this was my cat’s fault as well. But I can never get mad at him because he’s just a giant suck. And he’s just a cat. A Bobo Cat.

(Psychology note: Not to be confused with a Bobo Doll.)

This seems to be a theme in my life.

The Panic & Depressing Employment

For the first time in my life, I called in sick for work due to mental illness because it got so bad (6.5), and second time in 6 years or so. I took my pill and I tried doing a bit of retail therapy without the buying, and that didn’t really help. I drove around for a bit, and then went into work to see if they needed me for tonight’s banquet shift. I felt so bad telling them I can’t work tonight, but they didn’t seem to panic like I was inside my head, so I was okay with that. I just hate calling in sick when a team needs me though. It feels like such a cop out, but I can’t concentrate and do my job. I’m wondering if I would be able to do my job, since I pulled off a shift last spring when a panic attack occurred, and it just disappeared at the tail end of my night. So, I’m not sure.

I used to work with a supervisor who claimed to be suffering from depression, too. Now, I say, “claimed” because he was really withdrawn to the point where he was such an asshole (surprisingly, more so than your average Torontonian) and I wasn’t able to trust him to have my back if that were to happen. He would also call in sick repeatedly and leave us short-handed and picking up after his responsibilities. It felt really lazy of him since all we did was nothing but drive around all day (or parked somewhere with a laptop), and do some random patrols in a really nice luxury car. Hell, we could’ve sat around a coffee shop all day, or slept in the cars, and the bosses wouldn’t know.

He pissed me off because of these things. I did not like him at all, even from one mental health sufferer to another, if  he was indeed one. Personally, I’ve always used my anxiety as fuel for dangerous situations; I think it keeps you on your feet from an evolutionary standpoint. In other words, Yoda was wrong…sort of. So with all that said, I just don’t want to be that guy in the workplace, especially when free golf is on the line. (Another problem to work on, my addictions, but one at a time.)

So, nothing like a day of being snapped back to reality and reminded of being a pathetic lowlife on life’s totem pole. Here’s a quasi-random song. Quasi since it’s from a random playlist and it does have some kind of meaning, I guess.

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SSRIs as PEDs

Well, it’s experiment time. I am currently drinking this deliciousness.

Deliciousness visually defined

Mmmmmm…

I was a little hesitant at first seeing as how I was starting to feel like a (4) on my last B-Day plus 4 (remember, B for Booze), but then I thought, “Wait a second, I’m a loser anyways, what the fuck is it that I can lose?” Yeah, a (4) from a freaking (9) last week is a hell of an improvement, but it’s still not good enough.

So just to recap from my last post. The purpose of this experiment is to see if I’ll be able to do better at the gym than I was currently without the alcohol because it gets me angry like The Hulk. Lately, I wasn’t really feeling up to the gym much lately because I’ve been so lethargic due to my calmness, I’m guessing, so my hypothesis is that it will help. I remember that before the pill, I would want to go to the gym to release some stress, but with the Cipralex, I haven’t had the urge to, and when I have, it was just not the same intensity as it was before.

(On a side note, I haven’t been able to hit the gym as much as I would like to since September on account of a sprained ankle so I’m not exactly in the best of shape at the moment.)

As usual, I’ll be anticipating the same cycle of events:

• B-Day: drinking/consuming deliciousness
• B-Day plus 1: a rise in anxiety/depression levels; probably a (6)
• B-Day plus 2: maximum anxiety/depression levels; probably a (7), but I’ll be surprised if it’s an (8)
• B-Day plus 3: a decrease in anxiety/depression levels; possibly a drop back down to (6), perhaps even lower to a (5)
• B-Day plus 4: anxiety/depression levels returns back to normal

It’ll be on B-Day plus 2 that I’ll be hitting the gym, and possibly even tomorrow (B-Day plus 1) because I really need to work on my cardio and not having enough time to do so this week. I expect to be pushing weights well above my limitations, just feeding the energy off my anger, and pushing myself harder than usual. I don’t expect that my light workout tomorrow would hamper my workout the next day, though.

I don’t intend to live blog like I did last time with the blood donating experiment because it would be pointless to mention what exercise I’m doing every ten minutes. Personally, I don’t even like it when people constantly post status updates as to what exactly they’re doing on Twitter or Facebook.

I’m also hoping that the gym at school restores ventilation because it has been awfully muggy in there lately, and I hate humidity. I’m really hoping that doesn’t confound my results because I would’ve gone through all this for nothing. This is the only time in the next little week or so where I can take it easy for a while, and with my realization that I’ll be a loser for the rest of my life, it’s perfect timing to conduct this experiment.

The Bernadette Incident

I really don’t want to talk about this, but I think I should anyways; maybe it’ll be better for me, or maybe I’m a complete retard, one or the other. (Most likely the retarded part.) I haven’t talked to her at all except for a few words. My main fear in not talking to her again is I’ll get hurt when she meets someone else. Nothing reminds me of being a complete scumbag loser than constantly knowing that you’ll always be second-best (in my case, not even second, more like all the way at the bottom) in her life. On the flip side though, I do feel guilty because this is my problem, and my problem alone, and it’s not fair to her to suffer through my pathetic stupidity. So, I’m on the fence right now.

This song reminded me of me today…except at least this chick had someone interested in her for her personality, while I don’t even have that.

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Whoopsie!!

So I realized while I was making dinner that I’m not 100% sure that I took my pill today. Instead of taking the chance and taking another one, I’ll take it tomorrow. This way, I won’t be freaking out and my levels won’t be at an (8) or something. I say this only because I’m sitting at a nice (3) tops and don’t want to upset my balance. Oh, well, I probably did.

Nothing else has been going on today, except that I’m getting better at my lack of procrastination. Not worrying about too much except to get a job, but I have a meeting with one of the bosses at the golf course to see if I can get my server job back. If not, I’ll get my old backshop job back. It’s not something that I want to do since it’s not as much money and working outside is going to be brutal this year, but it still pays the rent.

But aside from that, today’s been pretty uneventful…sitting at a (3). I had some Guiness beer last night while watching the game (Kings won), and didn’t feel anything today. I googled how much alcohol content it has and it said a measly 4%. No wonder it tastes like an American beer…lol

Oh, I also had breakfast today. Nothing special, just a couple of fried egg sandwiches with brown toast and salmon cream cheese spread and some deli ham for protein. I always feel like I’m operating better cognitively than I do without breakfast, but in terms of lack of serotonin resulting in anxiety, I haven’t had the balls to find out yet. Maybe sometime this week though.

Since this blog is supposed to also help other people suffering from depression and anxiety, I think this song is perfect.

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