Morning Post

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever written anything in the morning before. I’m still usually passed out, trying to wake up, or making breakfast. I realized when I woke up that I didn’t have anything to make my usual breakfast so I ended up going to a McDonald’s and having it there. It’s quite disgusting.

The Experimental Results

So there was another confoundedness about this experiment. It could be my pessimistic way of thinking, but it wasn’t too bad. In fact, really good things happened in the first day. I did feel quite a bit of anxiety when I woke up in the two days afterwards (4.5), but it was recognizable. The muggy weather last week certainly didn’t help with getting out of bed, but I did, and begrudgingly made breakfast. I think breakfast certainly helped with my mood as I worked 3pm-9pm at said McDonald’s (one of my four jobs), and then 10pm-12pm at the hockey timekeeping job.

Well, I love the timekeeping job so I fail to see why I would get anxiety from that. I mean, I was able to get there at 9:30, watch half a game with my buddy who was working one game, went to the one I was assigned to, and then went back to watch some more. I got paid for two games even though…I was just watching some good hockey!

I was expecting Saturday to be especially bad because I had very little sleep from watching the Kings beat the Rangers for the Stanley Cup in double overtime (boo to Kings winning, yay for what a finish to the season!), got up at 7:30am for work at the Beer Store (3rd of four) until 3pm, 3 hours in-between to catch up on errands, and started another job (4th of four) at 6pm which didn’t finish until 10pm.

This was another catering job, and I ended up meeting a cutie who was pretty cool…who also had a boyfriend of three years. Motherfucker. I wasn’t down about it or anything, but I did stop talking to her because…well, what’s the point anymore? lol So that’s Life rubbing his dirty nose into my life again. I swear, I’m going to kill that bastard.

But the thing that started off this possible confoundedness is a win. I found a league game while I was drinking my delicious beer. I need to play more league games to calm my nerves about playing them because I would always get so worked up. These things count for me because I keep tabs of my goals against average, and I usually play for really crappy teams (I guess that’s why the goalie has no issue with giving away his games when he could be doing something better). Anyways, I decided not to give too much thought to this game, even though I did end up getting there a little later than I wanted to.

I like to get to the rink an hour before puck drop so I’ll have enough time to get ready without rushing. I hate rushing. Google Maps said it would take about a half an hour to get to this particular arena and I wasn’t feeling too hot because of something I ate so I didn’t get there until half an hour before puck drop. The drive was pretty stressful, and I’m guessing it was because of the beer the night before. But I got there on time, and got dressed so quickly I still had time to watch the Zamboni do a couple more laps of flooding.

The Game

Yes, I know, I still have to get to why this experiment was so confounded. Basically, we won, 5-3. First goal was a slap shot to my face, so unfortunately, I instinctively ducked out of the way. I was screened by my own guy on the second goal, which was a soft wrister, right between my legs. I didn’t see or hear the release (puck leaving the stick usually have some kind of sound), and I did have a piece of the puck when I saw it, but it wasn’t enough. I was screened again on the third goal in the second period but it was on the pass from my right to left and couldn’t get to the other post in time to make the save.

Luckily though, most of the shots came as high slappers, and with my positional awesomeness, I make those saves 90% of the time (except for those two first ones) or they miss me and the net completely because I give them nothing to shoot at. There was also the amazing defense that didn’t dick around. I always had one guy back, they knew how to clear the puck out of my zone, and were positionally sound (except for screening me).

Another lucky thing were our power plays. We stayed out of the penalty box while the other team took two, and we converted (hockey lingo for scored) on them. We actually pulled ahead 4-3 on the last power play (really stupid time to take a penalty), and after a flurry of shots in the last minute and change that I stonewalled them on, we got the empty net goal (they “pulled” their goalie to get an extra skater out to outnumber us) with ten seconds left.

The only thing I regret not doing was my post-victory celebration, but that was because I was so gassed from that minute and change. I got stupid and went to the gym a few hours before the game too, so “tired” would be an understatement.

Now that I think about it, it could’ve been the exercise and the win that confounded this experiment.

But suffice it to say, barely any negativeness from this round of beer. I do want another one this week though, just to see what that would do. I’m thinking Wednesday again, in the middle of my work week. I’m also hoping that there would be neutral incidents, but I’ll also be at work so who knows.

There was also work in general that got me in a better mood because I was able to go a little over 30 hours with four jobs last week, and I’m just a couple of hours short of 40 hours this week. So at least I won’t have to worry about money too much for the next week. I would say that I’ve been a surprising (3.5) since the last post. I definitely expected higher because of the delicious beer.

Here’s a random song….I swear. Even though it does sort of reflect on my goalie prowess.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Experiment Take 2

This experiment is brought to you by…

Hog’s Back beer. Well, they’re not sponsoring me, but that would be amazing. At the same time though, that would be unethically stupid. Although, that would be an interesting premise to get this blog sponsored: Getting random companies to give me money to run my experiments on myself. Again, that’s a shit-ton of ethics that would be possibly violated, but…need money. Oh, well.

That’s the most awesome picture I’ve taken in a while. I mean, what can be better? Got the Stanley Cup Finals on (Rangers won to stay alive and take it to Game 5), very local brew that’s straight from Ottawa, Ontario, and a very comfortable couch.

The Experiment

So the point of this experiment is to get a better idea of where I am with my SSRI withdrawal, because the last one was a bit of a bust. There were just way too many confounding variables to get an accurate read on my anxiety because too many things were jacking it up. There was the stupidity that is the scheduling for my psychiatrist, and then there was the screwjob by life, once again.

I’m so sick of this broken record, so I’ll make this quick. Basically, I found out that an old high school crush has been living in the same city as I’m living in for several years now. Great, hope, right? Wrong again. A week after contact, she made it official with this guy she was seeing that they’re in a relationship. Seriously, you can’t write this shit up! Even my psychiatrist was flabbergasted at “my luck,” which is in actuality, my life…who I want to drive my knee into his balls. Suffice it to say, I was at a (7), possibly higher.

But, I’m getting angry thinking about it again. I was angry for about two weeks over that and didn’t get much of a chance to hit the gym over it. I only have work for the next few days so I only have that to deal with. Hopefully nothing stupid happens…again.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Beer and Bullshit

Yeah, I really regret having two beers over this past weekend. It was great during the Walking Dead marathon, it was great during the Rangers/Habs playoff hockey game, but since Monday, it has gone downhill from there on an 80 degree angle.

Tuesday was the worst though. The head-shrinking Doc had to move our appointment back from the previous Tuesday because he forgot about some meeting elsewhere and I was told that it would be at the same time at 11am. I was pretty annoyed with that to begin with because it was coming up to a month since I saw him last. I showed up just before 11am and they told me that I no-show’d and they were going to charge me $100. I almost lost it.

$100 is a lot of money to me right now, especially when I have three jobs and I’m barely scratching 20 hours. That is some good bourgeoise bullshit right there. I already owe them $200 from previous screw ups, whether from my end or theirs, but this past week was enough for me to start thinking that universities are nothing but a money-gouging scam.

Seriously, don’t bother going unless you’re really curious and want to learn about a certain subject that you absolutely love. Aside from that, it’s so not worth it. Unless you’re in some engineering or computer program, you’re going to come out with nothing because everyone and their cats have some kind of bachelor degree out there, putting you on equal footing. I’ve heard people say that the bachelor’s degree is now the high school diploma, and that it’s an educational cold war out there in the labour market.

Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve been enjoying my experience, but if anyone’s going to rip me off, at least be up front with me and tell me that you’re ripping me off; I would respect you more for your honesty.

But I digress.

I ended up in the library, talking to my friend on Facebook who tried to calm me down. She suggested I try one of those anxiety apps and I settled on this one. It focuses on hypnotherapy, but that wasn’t the sole reason why I got it; it was free. I’m not going to lie. 😉

The catch was that for a dollar I can skip the hypnotherapist’s intro and skip straight towards the actual hypnotherapy. It’s for a dollar, and I recently got a free iTunes gift card from redeeming my Air Miles, so I figured, why not? It actually worked very well when I got back home from campus; so well that I was almost late for work.

The Hypnosis

I guess this would fall more towards a new-age-type of psychology, which I just realized that we never touched upon in university. I’ve never been hypnotized before, and from what I heard, there is a relatively small percentage of the population that just can’t be hypnotized. Suffice it to say, I was curious to see if I was, and if this app was going to do what it said it would.

A couple of sessions isn’t enough to say that it does work though, but the experience certainly was pretty cool. The guy first starts off with focusing on some spot on the ceiling, and then lulls you to sleep with his monotone voice. When he mentions, “…You’re eyes are getting heavy,” boy, howdy, does your eyes get heavy! But I think I was able to hypnotize myself before, too, because I remember focusing on something long enough with my eyes open, the eyelids go heavy regardless. I think that’s why fatigued driving is so dangerous because you’re so focused on the road for so long; you just hypnotize yourself.

The scariest part for me is that I can’t stay awake long enough and pay attention to what the guy is saying. He could be telling me to go kill some animals for all I know as I’m sleeping. But, I do know there have been numerous studies in the…late ’80s to mid-’90s at the latest that say that subliminal messaging while you sleep is bullshit anyways. So either way, Homer Simpson won’t be able to speak with such words, nor lose the weight he wanted to lose (I think he’s perfect the dumb way he is).

But all in all, I think there’s something still going on with my hippocampus with the SSRI because I don’t think the alcohol should not have affected me this badly. I don’t think it ever has when pre-Cipralex either. Strange…

Here’s a random song. Remind me to talk about this in more depth later.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Uh-oh

Well…maybe not immediately, but I sure as hell felt like it when I woke up. It’s just a feeling of everything has to be rushed, but at the same time, I don’t want to get out of bed. But going back to a couple of posts ago, the breakfast thing took most of it away, at least temporarily. I’m writing right after I devoured last night’s leftover pizza, and I feel a hell of a lot better than I did when I first woke up. I’m also starting to think that because I have no blinds, the sun is giving me a rude wake up call so that could also affect my negative mood.

I think it’s a good time to try the tylenol experiment with this and see what happens because I have a bit of a headache, and heading to a hockey game soon. Let’s see if I can screw my head back on right.

Random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Beer

So it’s been well over a year since I had beer, and almost a month since my last pill. I figured today would be a good time to have beer again since I got the entire Season 4 of Walking Dead and the NHL playoffs are still on. I kinda nursed it a bit, and I can’t even remember when I finished it, but so far, I feel pretty good. There have been very small little blurbs of anxiety and worrisome thoughts, but that’s about it. I’m starting to think that the secret is to watch my automatic thoughts, and tell myself that it’s the neurons misfiring. I wouldn’t call that “controlling it,” but…I guess if I’m acknowledging it, it helps? Food for thought.

There is something that happened late this week that usually gets said neurons misfiring. I actually found out that an old high school crush of mine has been living in Ottawa for several years now. We’re both not from here, but from Shithole, Ontario, and it’s been about 14 years or so since we last talked. So, this’ll be interesting because I remember back then, I would have all of these self-defeating thoughts that would drive anyone crazy, such as, “Where is she? She’s probably seeing someone else,” that sort of thing.

So the purpose of this experiment is to figure out where I am in terms of alcohol, mostly because one of two main reasons I had to get off the Cipralex was so that I can drink again. The other is just that the pill is starting to cost way too much because of my student insurance plan, and certain changes. There was also an experiment that I ran last year where I wanted to see if SSRIs can be used as a Performance-Enhancing Drug, which was a total flop for some unknown reason.

There was also the time when I played so horribly because I was trying to get off the Cipralex cold turkey. That one I’m not too sure what happened; it was definitely the withdrawal, but I haven’t had any problems with my game and the withdrawal since Christmas. I’m wondering if the beer can replicate the same results or if it was a combination of inexperience in net and the withdrawal.

So there’s the physical performance side of it. The other side is just how I feel in terms of anxiety and wandering thoughts as I mentioned before.

I actually took a bit of a break before I continued writing, and I can honestly say that I’m a little bit more impatient than I was earlier and those old thoughts I wrote about up top are just a bit more frequent to my liking right now. But again, acknowledging that is helping very much. There’s also a twinge of dizziness every once in a while too; I’m not sure what’s up with that, but I am tempted to take a Tylenol to see if I can narrow down what’s causing it. 😉

The California Shooting

I don’t normally talk about the shootings going on in the US because it’s too depressing. The last one I talked about was the Sandy Hook one in Connecticut back in December 2012. There have been so many since then that I would’ve failed school if I took the time to write about them all.

I would, however, like to go on record to say that the States’ 2nd Amendment with the right to bear arms has no function in the 21st century and that whoever thinks that they still need their firearms because of the British is just plain retarded. Sure, I’ve seen many Americans say that it’s also part of the war on terror, but when was the last time someone bearing arms stopped terrorism on the news? When was the last time someone bearing arms stopped two jumbo jets from flying into the World Trade Centre? I’m sure either one would’ve made the headlines, and nobody has heard anything about those stories. Mixing the 2nd Amendment with mental health issues is stupid being belief.

That said, I was reading up on this Elliot Rodger guy, and this is the scariest part of it all for me.

“In the YouTube video, Rodger sits in a car and looks at the camera, laughing often, and says he is going to take his revenge against humanity. He describes loneliness and frustration because ‘girls have never been attracted to me’.“

My initial thought: That could’ve been me. I was, and I still have a shit-ton of potential to be, in that dark place where, if I was given the resources, can completely lose it and go on a shooting spree, ending innocent lives. This is (was?) me. That’s why I would much rather end my life first before I end other’s.

Again, I’m not going to go into great detail about this. It could be part of my closing up about myself, but this is some scary shit for me right here to deal with.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

24

Beep-boop! Beep-boop!

So, I think I hit a little snag, and it all happened in 24 hours. I really did like that show, 24, and I know it’s back out, but I caught on late, so…yeah, can’t watch the rest of it.

Basically, it started with hockey on Friday, right after my last post. There’s a female there that I have my eye on, but being a goalie, and her being a skater, we don’t normally get too much of a chance to talk. I bumped into her and timekept one of her games a couple of weeks ago, where she grabbed the back of the head of some other chick with the puck, pushed her, then looked like she thought, “Might as well go for the whole 9-yards because it’s a roughing penalty,” and slammed her face into the ice. This happened right in front of me, and I was dying of laughter. Oddly enough, she didn’t get the penalty.

Anyways, on Friday, she came in with some guy, and pre-Cipralex me would be thinking all sorts of jealous thoughts, but they weren’t much this time around. It was only when the facilitator told me that she had a thing for hockey guys that got my anxiety going again. I really wasn’t feeling well during the game, but I kept telling myself that I’m a good goalie; I ended up letting in 4 goals in about 40 minutes, so that’s pretty good considering the company of Junior players I was with and how long I’ve been playing ice net (since October; and I let in a bunch when I was dying afterwards…leg day and then hockey day doesn’t mix). From what I seen though, I kept telling myself that I’m a better goalie than the guy was a skater, and I ended up shutting him down the entire time I was playing against him.

It didn’t stop there though. I carried the anxiety to work and wasn’t able to shake it off. There were blurbs during the day when I was fine, but for the most part, I couldn’t even form sentences. Same thing with work yesterday as well.

The Cipralex-less Experiment

I wrote a while back that Tylenol (or maybe ibuprofen in general, haven’t found that out yet) really helped alleviate the headaches and dizziness associated with the Cipralex withdrawals. It even took away the anxiety with it, which was a total surprise, and lead me to believe that the starving-for-SSRIs hippocampus (which is what SSRIs repairs) is what, at least majorly, causes anxiety and depression. So, because of the past couple of days, I wanted to try it out again; to see if Tylenol does relieve anxiety. I highly doubt that it would (my null hypothesis), but given my history with SSRIs, my current situation could just be my brain deeply “needing” it. I had a friend who told me once that it took her 2-3 months for her symptoms to fully go away when she went off her Cipralex; at least I think she said “months.” I’m also 99% sure that she just quit cold turkey after only a month or so on them, whereas, I was on it for a good two years and I ran a weening experiment on myself. So there’s that that’s influencing my attacks and headaches.

With all that said though, I did just take a Tylenol, but I’m not 100% sure if it’s from the anxiety or the fact that I really didn’t drink that much water and sweating buckets yesterday at work. Regardless, I took one an hour and a half-ish ago, and I still have a mild headache, no anxiety problems right now, but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that.

I don’t have much of an operational definition for this, just a simple “Does it have any personal effect or not?” type experiment. Very non-scientific and unempirical, and I probably won’t even give out numbers, but it’s a nice little mini-experiment.

That’s about it. Work also isn’t helping with the anxiety since I’m making next to nothing with 3 jobs and barely any hours (corporate greed), but at least I keep having better thoughts that I have a job, money’s sort of coming in, and I got the time to look for a better job in the meantime. I’m not sure what I would’ve thought pre-Cipralex though.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Progress

Yes, I made more noticeable progress today. Since it’s been so muggy in the past couple of days, I decided to keep wearing my sleeveless tank top after the gym. Now, this is something I don’t like talking about even now, but…I got pretty (ladies, you can take that either meanings) muscular arms. I mean, the whole time I’ve been going through depression and anxiety sans Cipralex and even going on it have been pretty harsh and lifting helps relieve the tension. It actually started when I was quitting smoking, and it was something to do. Anyways, I decided to leave the tank on because it was hot and, another automatic thought, to give the ladies something to look at. Yep, I said it.

I know not all women like beefcakes, and that’s understandable. I can’t stand them either. I was in the gym today with a buddy of mine and we were just talking about that with beefcakes having tiny little chicken legs. I don’t have that problem because as a hockey player, every session is legs session. I’d show off my thighs too, but that would look weird…and attract gay men instead of straight women. Actually, probably not even gay men because I have hairy legs. But I have tree trunks for thighs and massive branches (not twigs) for calves.

See, there’s my confidence again. I think I should be a little cockier while keeping with the self-deprecation a little. I was at a pick-up game last night, and there are many readers who are not aware of this, but it’s practice for the goalies to switch ends halfway through. Yeah, I had the amazing defense and a horrible opposing offense, but I had a shutout before I switched sides. That was my first taste of a shutout. But to be fair, after that switch though, the floodgates opened because I did not have defense. There were times when an opposing player would be right behind me and nobody was covering him. And since I don’t have eyes on the back of my head (even though the occipital lobe is back there), a goal was scored if I wasn’t able to intercept the pass. I made some awesome robberies on the shittier end, and made a few mistakes that can easily be corrected through experience, but it was good. See, confidence!

The Downside

Not all is happy though, as the anxiety is still here. It’s not as long as it was before, but it is more frequent than when I was on the Cipralex. What’s getting me down is I have three jobs and none of them are giving me hours to work. That’s a very shitty scenario in an economy that’s supposed to be good, but all the bourgeoisie are greedy little fuckers, using us proletariats to make them richer by cutting back labour, but expecting the absolute best results.

But since I’ve only been working for about three weeks, I choose to see it as a stepping stone for something else, hopefully soon because with three jobs, I’m not 100% sure I’ll be able to make rent. There’s anxiety number one, which is the major one. The other is not so much.

Basically, there’s this one girl who works in the hockey department on campus who I had my eye on for a couple of years, but I rarely ever see her. I work with her on one of my jobs now and found out that she’s together with one of the biggest twits on campus. This guy is one of the worst ball hockey refs I’ve ever seen. He even asked me once if the ball went past me because he wasn’t sure of the goal. Of course I’m going to say no! What kind of stupid question is that??? He’s also a one-upper, one of the most annoying types of people on the planet. Looks-wise, she’s got to be a 9, while he’s a 2…and that’s me being generous.

But, as I said, that’s the least of my concerns….which is another sign of progress…because I don’t care as much anymore.

I actually can’t even quantify how I feel any more because it changes so quickly throughout the day. If I were to guess, I would be a (3.5) lately….?

I’m tired, here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Experimental Success

Wow, I just read my last post, and if I didn’t know any better, I would’ve said that I’m a really shitty writer. Well, I’m not saying that I’m great either, but I didn’t even understand what the hell I was talking about, especially in the last couple of paragraphs. I had to stop and think about what I meant by thinking about events going on that day.

But I dare say that after five months of weening, this little experiment of mine is working. Most of the symptoms didn’t disappear by Thursday as I was hoping it to (work hurt my brain because of the headaches), but it finally went away for the most part today and I didn’t even take a Tylenol. There were still a few thoughts and angry reactions here and there, but I suspect that it’ll dissipate sooner rather than later. There’s also the fatigue that I’ve been experiencing, and after a full night’s rest, it doesn’t appear to be much of an issue right now. I don’t remember dreaming (sign of the brain re-organizing and repairing itself), but most people don’t remember it anyways. To me, I’ve always seen it as remembering that you dreamt the night before meant it was a very good thing because it was a good sleep, and good sleep equals good re-organization and repairs. That’s just me, don’t quote me on that as an actual scientific fact because I’m not a scientist; just a fucked up guy willing to experiment brain drugs on himself.

Another thing that I got back to doing is this thing called “breakfast.” I’m still waiting on my first paycheque and money’s been really tight in the past month or so, so I’ve been really cutting back on what I eat, so I’ve been down to two meals a day. Yeah, it’s not good, but at least I’m surviving until I get back on my feet financially, which should be by the end of the month. That could also confound the fact that I’ve been feeling like shit without the Cipralex, but I guess I’ll do that experiment when I get enough money to get back on the damn things and ween myself off again. But not right now.

So today was good because I had breakfast. My digestive system is wreaking a bit of havoc on me, but for good reason, but aside from that, my mood’s been pretty stable, and it certainly feels like I’m still taking the pills. So with every day, I’m getting closer to my first beer in over a year…

I should point that my scores during this past week have been between (6s) and (7s), and today was a (4) so that’s a hell of an improvement. I’d crunch the numbers on it, but I don’t have enough samples, and I really don’t want to do anymore stats for the summer because I just finished off a year’s worth of it. Ignorance is bliss.

The Hockey Therapy

I also mentioned in my last post that the hockey has been helping in combination with the Tylenol. Actually, I didn’t take a Tylenol before my pick-up game Friday and was going through a decent headache halfway through the game. That, however, did not stop me from being brilliant. Thanks to a few youtube videos, I made quite a few significant changes in my game and I’ve been kicking ass. There are a few regulars I play with who used to dangle the shit out of me, but with these changes, they haven’t had too many chances. I haven’t even been giving up as many goals as I have been before during my pick up games. In fact, there was this one guy last Friday who didn’t even get a goal on me in the 40 minutes or so of playing on his opposing side. Usually, he does, but I don’t think I gave him much to shoot at with my newfound positioning.

There was also this one gigantic save I made that was just unreal. I was down and out on one side of my post (can’t remember why) when the guy passed it to my other side for the wide open net. In the span of a few milliseconds, I distinctly remember thinking that I should just let my paddle make the save because the net really wasn’t that open since I wasn’t that far away from it, and that the guy receiving the pass was going to flip it, and not slide it in on the ice. I think that goes back to a bit of cognitive psychology of looking where you want (it) to go. It’s been hashed to death in driving school, and I keep hearing hockey players give the same advice to shooters. Somehow, I was about to stop the puck with the middle of my paddle as it bounced into my arm and chest before dropping to the ice. During the “OHHHH!!“‘s and stick banging along the boards, I saw another stick in the corner of my eye heading straight for the puck so I smothered it. I looked back into the net, didn’t see anything, but it’s also hard to see out of that mask. It should be noted that with all the equipment on, it’s hard to feel where the puck is, so when the play was considered dead, I got up and it was right underneath my arm, just an inch or two away from the goal line.

Why am I saying this? Because I gots that confidence thing. If you have read my blog before, I had absolutely no confidence, but now, I can back up my natural goaltending prowess without being cocky; something that was almost deathly afraid of being. Well, I’m cocky now with people about being a goalie, but I guess it was the lack of backing it up that I was afraid of.

So far, I’ve spent around $2000 on hockey equipment, both goalie and skater, and it’s starting to look like the best investment I’ve ever made. I say “so far,” because there’s still more I want to pick up, like a new pair of goalies skates that doesn’t hurt so I can play even better. So if you’re struggling with depression, spend a bit of cash on something you love and keep doing it; it may help. I’ve always said that money’s a temporary thing because it comes and goes, but your sanity doesn’t.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

New Chapter

I really hate thinking. Exams are finally over as of last Saturday, and people still require me to think. I can’t even think right now, I’m so tired. It could be from the lack of Cipralex that I was supposed to have Saturday, but my doc said that it should be fine, and I don’t want to take it anymore so I stopped. I think I picked a pretty good time to do so. Right after exams, and I just have to work.

In the last post, I wrote about how worried I was about getting a job and the possibility of going back to Shithole, Ontario. Well, I now have three jobs, so when it rains, it pours. It started off with McDonalds, which was one of those, “Okay, at least I have a job,” to some banquet/catering place that didn’t even offer me the job, but just assumed that I want it after the interview. This guy running the thing is totally sketchy.

So here I was, during exam season, not even worrying about employment for the summer, but another goalie I play with told me that the campus hockey department is hiring scorekeepers for their beer leagues, so I decided to dust off the cover letter and resume again and went to the Ice House to give it to them. Before I was even able to take it out of my bag, the girl running things recognized me (I doubt for my attractiveness) from playing in intramurals last semester and asked if I wanted to work that night because the guy didn’t show up. I made sure that I was going to get paid for it, and off I went! So that one went well! I ended up watching five games at a pay rate of $11/game, AND I was able to watch the Blues/Hawks playoff game on my laptop. The entire time I was thinking it was too good to be true.

But going back to the experiment, I mentioned some time ago that Tylenol helped with the anxiety. Well, not directly, so if you have anxiety, the bloody thing wouldn’t do anything. I’m talking about the SSRI withdrawals, and the headaches that’s associated with it. I was supposed to take one last Saturday, as I already mentioned, but the headaches and dizziness aren’t that bad or completely non-existent. It’s there, but it’s subtle. Maybe that’s also why I’m so tired all the time.I took a Tylenol before hockey, but I can’t figure out if it’s the hockey that calmed me down or the Tylenol, so that mini-experiment went out the window and I went back to stopping frozen pucks with my head. But, yeah, I figured this would be a good week to finally ween myself off of it completely because of the training at work; I can afford to make a shit-ton of mistakes and blame it on being new.

I took a Tylenol maybe an hour and change ago, and it took a bit of the edge off, but not completely. I’m still having trouble staying awake though.

Going with the same model of five-days, I figured I’d use that same thing to gauge how much further I have to go before the withdrawal symptoms go away. So (and keep in mind, my brain’s not exactly screwed on right at this moment) since I was supposed to take my pill on Saturday, I guess it would be around Thursday that I would start feeling better? Let’s hope so because I’m doing the banquet job on Thursday and it’s not something that I’ve done frequently before. Oh, well…

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Title-less

You know, that sounds awfully similar to Titleist. It’s a sign that I should be golfing and not playing hockey anymore. I know, it sounds weird, but I ended up hurting the entire left side of my body, from my ankle up to my wrist. Hockey’s about the only thing that’s kept me sane all school year, and resting right now blows major donkey balls. I strained my hip flexor two months ago playing ball hockey and I think I re-aggravated it again a couple of Sundays ago, playing more ball hockey. I think I’ve had enough of ball hockey and willing to make the full switch over to ice; less painful. It’s gotten to the point where I want to shut it down for the season after my last league game on Wednesday so my body can heal. I’m also planning to stay in Ottawa instead of Shithole, Ontario so I won’t have to deal with any more grief of that dump, so no golf for me.

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, but it’s been hectic with school and trying to find a job. I just had a panic attack where I had one thought about checking myself into a hospital, but I managed to come off of it for the most part, but I’ll talk about that later on. (Suspense!)

The Experiment

Things are going great. Not good, but great. For the most part, I felt an average of (4) for the month of March. I went into my 5-day cycle without much of a hitch, surprisingly. I also gave my 4-day cycle a few more cycles for my brain to adjust, as I’ve mentioned last post. I haven’t even been relying on my Tylenol anymore because I don’t need to. Maybe the 4th day/cycle of getting off the SSRIs is the major hump and after that, it should be free-wheeling. As of the 26th of April, I should be okay to get off my Cipralex completely! But…there’s always a but…I may go on a 6-day cycle just to see how it goes, and if I don’t feel anything bad, I might just get off them without doing 5 cycles, as per the experiment design.

The Tinder

In case you haven’t heard of it, it’s a sort of dating app that’s ridiculously superficial. Basically, you either find someone attractive or not, and if there’s a mutual like, you can start talking to each other.

Possibly the greatest problem I have is that women doesn’t find me attractive in general, especially with my statistical numbers crunching, but this app sort of busted that. I say “sort of” because there are too many network variables that I don’t know about to get a more accurate estimation so bear with me here.

But what is factual is out of the hundreds of women I swiped like, only 17ish liked me back. I say “-ish” because there were a few that blocked me for whatever reason, I can’t remember and don’t know, and they were taken off my list. I’ve also set my parameters to 20-50+ years old, and distance radius at 69km, because…well, 69 is a good number. 😉 Because someone has to like me back to get a good percentage, they also have to set the same parameters. Chances are, they’re not! It’s going to be all over the place. I can’t even crunch the numbers or scenarios in my head to find a remotely good guess to get anything, so I’m not going to bother to try.

What I do know, however, that out of the 17ish, I’m currently conversing with two. That gives me an 8.5% of being attractive. That’s a shit-ton better than the less than 1% I originally came up with.

There’s also the Sriracha sauce that liked me back.

Don’t tell her I’m in love with another hot sauce from Tennessee though.

The really odd part of it is, I had more liked back from women outside of Ottawa. One of the women I’m talking to is actually from a slightly shitter part of Shithole called Brampton. (The other one is from Ottawa, in case you’re wondering.)

I’m still not 100% sure if it’s this app that’s making me feel better about myself, or the hockey I’m constantly playing, or both, but something’s working right now. I guess that’s a good thing.

The Realization

I’m still a little tired from my attack and can’t come up with better sub-titles. That and I haven’t written much because of school; I don’t want to write because of school. 😉

So there’s someone in my group therapy session who’s in really bad shape. Like, she’s borderline bulimic, cuts herself, suicidal and had a brother who committed suicide. I don’t remember much about details, but I remember that he had everything going for him in life, and then he just offed himself out of the blue. So basically, she has both a genetic disposition and environmental factors going against her.

I bumped into her while I was waiting for the train to get home and she was in such a sunny disposition. I remember her talking about how she puts up a happy front to people to hide what happens in her life, but I did not expect it to be that…effective. Coming from a law enforcement background, I pride myself on being able to read people, but this actually scared me since I know her deepest, darkest secrets from the group.

So that got me thinking if I am or was the same way. I know I put up a shield and a humorous front, but I also know that it’s pretty dark. Just something to ponder about, but it just goes to show that not everyone you see is “normal.”

The Attack

So I’ve been freaking out for the past week or so about my finances. As I mentioned in my last post, the student loans office figured out my little quasi-legal scam over the years and just flat out screwed me. I deserve this, don’t get me wrong; whenever I know I’m doing something wrong, I always prepare myself to face the music. I danced the line between legal and illegal, and was caught. Oh, well, move on.

But as I mentioned, finding a job is giving me an attack. I haven’t been able to make rent, and I’m so hesitant about asking my folks for help. As I mentioned, I also don’t want to go back to Shithole. So I really don’t know what to do. The whole business side of things pisses me off as well. It was never how hard you work, but who you know and how well you can kiss ass. I just work hard when I need to, but I can never kiss ass.

While I was waiting for this attack to subside, I learned a new song. Here it is. I’ve been a (5.5) lately.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.