“Depression is the inability to construct a future.”
– Rollo May, 1969
I’ve been reading a lot lately about depression and suicide, but that’s because that’s what I’m doing my thesis on. When I read that line, I thought, “That’s pretty much me.” I really don’t have any ability to construct a future right now because everywhere I look, it’s all doom and gloom, what with the environment, economy, and human greed. There’s probably more that’s contributing to our own downfall as a species, but I can’t think of it right now. But regardless, not much to look forward to in the future in general.
I just realized that I called my pills “Cipralex” a lot when I was taking them and “SSRIs” now. It’s because I’m not on the more expensive Cipralex anymore, but the much cheaper generic brand that pretty much does the same thing.
In my last post, I mentioned that the pills seem to be working for the most part. I do wake up in the morning feeling super anxious about my day and I just want to curl up in my bed. It takes quite a bit out of me to get up, reach for my pills (on my makeshift nightstand right next to me), split them with my teeth or find the other half of one, and take it. I would then have to wait a while for the pill to kick in, and that alone is weird because upon every start of a cycle, whether it’s an increase or decrease in dosage, it starts doing its thing immediately. There are also days since my last post where it’s been unbearable, but when I socialize a bit, I feel better. I guess I just needed to take my mind off what I need to do, instead of doing things one step at a time and taking the time to relax.
I honestly think it’s been the lack of exercise lately. I’m playing hockey once or twice a week without going to the gym. Even my head shrinker is saying that I don’t have enough time for myself. I get up at around 10am, have a massive breakfast, go about my day which most of the heavy stuff is in the evenings, get home at around midnight, and just crash after making dinner. Finding time in the week is pretty hard to do, too.
Maybe I should just make more time for myself to play puck…
Today’s not too bad so far. Busy again, as I have to get new tires, and as I’m waiting, I’m selling off a few games that I found last year in my apartment. People just leaves stuff in the lobby for others, and I grab whatever I can and re-sell them. Some can be resold, some not, but it’s better than having it go to some landfill. I also bought a LEGO A-Wing over the winter for the purpose of reselling it for a profit (I already got one) and that’s also going on today. It cost me almost $34 with tax, and I’m selling it for $55. That’s a 62% return on $34 over about 3 months. Better than what a bank can give me.
Today was also payday for both my jobs, so financially, it’s been an encouraging day, and one less thing to worry about. If anything, the excitement have been magnified because of the SSRIs (much like every other emotion I go through while trying to get on this damn pill), but at least I know that it’s a good excitement that I’m solidifying my finances a bit. My money goal right now is to have my money procreate and make more money….which also means that my money is getting more action than me. Welp! Back to being depressed!
I also have to go to my thesis class later tonight so that’ll be fun…
Also, a friend of mine works at an insurance call centre for medical files, and she said she distinctly remembers reading that psychiatric pills takes about 4 weeks to fully work. I can’t personally confirm that, but 4 weeks does seem like a long time for something like this to really kick in and work from what I remember in the first round.
Here’s a random, disturbing song!
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