Abnormal Fail

I think it’s fitting that I’m writing just before, and probably during, my Abnormal Psych class because I’m sitting at a good (5) right now. That may not be a big thing, but when I was sitting at a pretty (1) since yesterday and jumping (4) points to a (5) at this moment, I think it deserves to be recognized.

The Replay

This is actually pretty close, in terms of context, to what happened with the NFL referees this week, and I’m pretty sure this is a blown call. I’ve been talking to this one chick for the past couple of days and it’s been going pretty well. We share the same sense of humour, which is awesome, and even the same job. I e-mailed her last night and accidentally clicked on the “like picture” button on the dating website. Yeah, I really do like the picture, but it’s also a fairly revealing picture, and the only one that shows her cleavage. She has read the e-mail and hasn’t replied. Coincidentally, this is also around the time for my 24-hour decay on my Cipralex. It’s actually been closer to 26-27 hours, but I’ve been feeling its effects for quite a while now; just not this strong, maybe closer to a (3). All this before a 3-hour Abnormal Psych class with a lecture on anxiety. Dammit…

I am, however, starting to feel moderately better after a few minutes of writing, somewhere around a (3). I can’t wait until I get back and take my Cipralex.

The Ankle

It’s actually doing pretty well. I can finally put about 80% of my weight on it, and against my physiotherapist’s orders, I went skating yesterday. She mentioned something about balance when she was telling me not to, but I didn’t understand what she was talking about. Man, did I find out. My left skate was wobbling all over the place, even with me concentrating on it. I only went for a light skate, about 9 laps in 40 minutes, but called it quits once I felt a tinge of pain. My physiotherapist said that I should be strengthening it with some range exercises and stretches, and I can’t think of anything else to strengthen it than some light, low-impact exercise. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but she didn’t really say anything to strike fear into my heart not to do it…she actually didn’t say anything about it.

The Aftermath

It took a while for me to get home to take my pill, on account that I had to hobble over to the grocery store for a bit of food, and bumped into someone as well. During that entire time, it felt like I was fighting myself over those thoughts, but when I did take my pill, it was almost instant relief. It did take about 5 minutes for it to have any effect, but when it did, I was pretty tired by the end of it. Not only did I have a sore ankle and arm (crutch) from all that walking, but it felt like I just got off a really small anxiety attack like the one back in July. Suffice it to say, I really didn’t get as much as I wanted done today.

On the plus side, I spent a bit more money today on a bass tab book on The Offspring’s greatest hits. I tried to learn a few intros while I was waiting for the Cipralex to kick in, so that’s something new that should help in alleviating the anxiety. I also saw a cheap pair of headphones for my amp so that I can play my electric instruments without disturbing anyone in the house.

So, I’m going to give myself a good (5) today all in all because the anxiety certainly overshadowed everything. I’m going to miss being perfectly sane for the next few days, since I suspect it’ll take a while for the pills to realign their effectiveness in my hippo’s campus again. Here’s a song with a bass riff that I want to learn.

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Insert Title Here

First, I’d like to introduce people to why Toronto, Ontario, Canada is such a crappy place to be. No, it’s not because that the most ridiculous man ever was elected mayor by a “landslide,” or all the other stuff he’s done, but because of this.

http://helpraymond.wordpress.com/

Yep, there are people in Toronto willing to steal a guy’s $15,000 custom-built wheelchair for whatever purpose. Makes me angry.

The Business

It may come to a surprise that I have nothing to report. Since I sprained my ankle, I’ve been feeling a (1) for the first time since I started writing this blog, which is also why I haven’t been posting much..because there was nothing to post about. Yeah, there have been times when I was at a comfortable (2) as well, but that was the closest it’s gotten. My guess is that I found something new to worry about, something to keep my mind off of my issues. There’s also the thought of adapting to a new thing, like the stupid crutches I’m using. I think this is how shopaholics, kleptomaniacs, and hoarders starts out, by getting something new to fill a hole in their lives (with kleptos, it’s more like the thrill of being or not being caught, but I’m sure the items they steal also have some kind of meaning to them). I also just had the rubber things on the bottom of my laptop replaced since a couple of them came off back in winter, and my new van Gogh poster decorations in my drab room also breathed in some life, and lowered my anxiety levels dramatically. All of these things has taken me away from the routine and mundane, instead of having me dwell on what’s wrong with me.

So moral of the story is, if you’re feeling down, do something to treat yourself but WITHIN REASON. Don’t go out there and break a bone or anything like that…geez. Do something new. I have both of those Brain Age games for the Nintendo DS and one of them said that doing something new every day keeps the brain happy, or something to that effect. From a neurological perspective, doing something new creates new synapsis in the brain, and, as I said, helps you escape from the routine and mundane. A couple of examples given were trying a new dish or even making it, or a different route to work or school. I guess that’s why vacations are so relaxing because you’re (supposed to be, anyways) exploring new places of excitement.

I have a friend who got me several more van Gogh posters as well as another 3D portrait of Paris that I can’t wait to put up in my room. Something to look forward to. Here’s a random song.

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Broken

Yeah, it’s been a while. Been a long while. This is why.

 

I sprained my ankle. I wish I can say something sexy about how this happened, like, an incident with hookers, cocaine, and a zebra, but alas, I just wasn’t watching where I was going, and my foot landed inbetween the sidewalk and a lower grassy area. The crackling I felt and heard was some of my ligaments tearing. So I’ve been hobbling around since Monday evening, and crutches since Tuesday. I hate crutches. My arms and wrists hurts more than my ankle because I have to put all of my weight on them when I hobble around.

The biggest kicker is that I was in the middle of a three-day body-destroying working out session. I guess I kinda over-did it. Unfortunately, I’m out of action for the next 4-6 weeks, with a 6 month period for it to fully recover. I REALLY want to be active with my cardio this year, and this wouldn’t help.

The Psychology

I’m really tired right now, but I feel that I should check in. For some bizarre reason, I haven’t had much to be depressed about since I sprained this thing. I’ve always said that I would much prefer physical pain over the mental pain, so I guess this would be another thing: If I ever get down and depressed in the next few weeks, I’ll just move my ankle around a bit and feel the pain! I’m not too sure if that’s good or bad though since it’s still healing. It could help with the range….

Anyways, I’m tired as hell and need to get some sleep. Here’s a random song.

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Insecurities

I think it’s pretty evident that I’m an insecure guy. I mean, it’s not like you need a high school diploma to figure that one out, let alone a university degree. I’ve had worse days, but today was pretty crummy in its own respects. (4.5)

The Team

Today was the first meeting for the law team. I had already asked my former co-counsel if she would be interested in partnering up again, but she said some bullshit about being with someone else who would fit her schedule more. Thing is, I can tell lies. She took a while to respond, and replied with some “oh, I didn’t know why I didn’t get this until now” message. I know I sucked at the last tournament and my work ethic was sub-par, but at least have the balls or cojones to tell me upfront like a human being and a friend. There’s also cause for concern about rumours that were being spread about me for something along those lines. Anyways, my co-counsel ended up partnering up with someone from last year also.

I really don’t want to be partnered up with some first-year who doesn’t know what they’re getting into. I want to be partnered up with someone who has an inkling with what they’re doing through experience. They told us about their experience last time, and it didn’t really help, in my opinion. Yeah, it was better than nothing and being thrown into the fire (which was sort of what it felt like), but there’s something to be said about having a feel for the process.

All that said, I’m not in this for petty little drama games. Most of my teammates are only a few years removed from high school and obviously isn’t all the way up in maturity with someone as (much) older, like me. I mean that in the least condescending way possible, but it’s the truth. If she doesn’t want to partner up with me, that’s fine, because there was less chemistry in there than I originally thought and that won’t work out in the end. It’s just the fact that I have to find someone else who fits my criteria for a co-counsel now that frustrates me, too.

The Other

I also went to a friend’s birthday shin-dig tonight, too. I didn’t even drink and I felt insecure, so imagine what that’ll do to me for the next few days if I did. I’ve always had a thing for this friend, and as much as I try to shake it off, I can’t. In order to (try to) understand why I felt the way I felt, I have to give some kind of back story in that this friend is more or less in the same boat as I am. Tonight, she was going on about some guy she dated and how she was eaten out by him, which wasn’t even enjoyable. She wasn’t even attracted to the guy, even for having a “Voldermort nose.” (Some guy from Harry Potter….?) . It’s like, “Great, I’m even lower on the totem pole than that guy, perfect.” Le sigh. Nothing like being kicked when you’re down.

The Honesty

I think this is why there’s so much crap going on in the world: lack of honesty. I’ve always made it a personal policy to tell it like it is, whenever possible. There are times when I can’t, for example, when I’m in a situation where more than myself is in jeopardy. Without all this unnecessary lying and deception, there wouldn’t be so many problems, and stress. Ugh….15 more years…

I actually hate this band for the life of me, but the song reflects today. Try to enjoy, even with his horrible voice. I’m sorry.

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Temporary Relief

I forgot to mention yesterday that I was sitting at a (4.25). I still don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling so much numbing anxiety lately. Today’s been a lot better though, and that’s all because I had my cigarette.

The Stop-Gap

Today was a day off with nothing to do, but catch up on personal stuff, so I decided to go see Raj and walk him. His “mommy” happened to be a smoker and since I’ve been having such a huge craving lately, decided to grab one from her. It was almost instant relief from all the mini-demons in my head. Now mind you, this is not a solution to my problems. I used to be a regular smoker before and it was the worst thing I’ve done to myself. If anything, I don’t want to get addicted to it again. I usually get these cravings about 3 months after my last full cigarette or drag, so I should be good until December. Come to think of it, my last smoke was back in late May, so three and a half months is better!

The History

A lot of people ask why I started when I was 15 or 16. It was quite simple: I wanted to end my life then, too. A lot of people say that the threat of suicide is a plea for help, and in my case, I think these people are correct. I didn’t have much of a role model in my teenage years, and my parents really didn’t know how to parent me in a Western society. I had a catalyst into depression with my first girlfriend and I took it pretty hard. I remember all my parents told me was to focus on my school work, and didn’t really do much about it afterwards. This depression sent me to a downward spiral where I wanted to end it all, but didn’t know how. Smoking was my answer because of the health risks associated with it. It was my form of suicide, but much slower. I was really hoping that I would be diagnosed with cancer so I wouldn’t have to live.

I obviously now see how stupid dying of cancer really is, but at least it was good enough of a reason to jump off a bridge or something, because I really didn’t have the guptas to do it then, and I hope I never will. I kind of got lucky in quitting though. I was already thinking about it and how I wanted to be healthier, but the anxiety levels were really high then. On a scale from this blog, I was between (9) and (9.5) so it really scared me about thinking of quitting. Basically, it felt like the world was about to end if I didn’t have my nicotine. I believe this is what addicts on harder drugs feel like when they go through withdrawal, but physiologically, it may very well be the end of the world for them. My only out was this open-bar wedding.

To this day, I will deny this ever happened. I was drunkenly making-out with, who I call, Fuglar, the fugliest Fug in the land of Fug. If nobody has heard of that term before, it’s a very inappropriate term for “Fucking Ugly.” There is photo evidence of this…event, but I still deny it. Anyways, it’s believed that Fuglar there gave me a combination of the cold and bronchitis because the next day, I wasn’t feeling very well. Every time I inhaled nicotine, it felt like someone was sliding a knife down my throat. It hurt so much that I didn’t even want to smoke, which lasted a week. Afterwards, I thought to myself, “Let’s run with this and see where this goes.” That was six years ago, and I’ve probably smoked a grand total of a pack of cigarettes since with my quarterly cravings.

The van Gogh

Yesterday, I mentioned that I wanted to get a 3D version of a Vincent van Gogh piece. Well, here it is!

As a correction, this is Starry Night, not Starry Night on the Rhone, as I mentioned yesterday. The camera doesn’t do it justice so here’s another one that I think brings out the 3D a bit better.

 

This is another thing that has helped me with a bit of calm today. The lighting’s not the best in my room, but I got a lamp that does a half-decent job. There’s also that weird light line though that I didn’t foresee. Oh, well, still happy with my $50 purchase. (The frame cost almost as much as the piece…)

So because of the cigarette, playing with Raj (which also helped), and the van Gogh piece, I’ve dropped a whole point to (3.75). Now here’s a random song.

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Doctor van Gogh

Vincent and the Doctor has got to be one of my favourite Doctor Who episodes of all-time, and easily my number one favourite in Season 5 (or Series or whatever they call it east of the Atlantic). It had positive reviews and imdb.com has it as 8.7/10. I had never really known much about Vincent van Gogh’s work until watching that episode, and I certainly didn’t know what a troubled soul he was, either, if the producers of Doctor Who had his suffering portrayed accurately. Hell, I still don’t know much about him or his work. Granted, it’s nothing compared to me, but I think that without the psychiatric help that we have now, that could easily be me…minus the artistic genius of van Gogh. You have to watch the episode to understand.

What spawned sudden remembrance of the appreciation was a poster I just bought of the Exploding TARDIS.

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned that my room just has four puke-white walls and I needed to spruce it up a bit. Well, here’s my solution! This obviously isn’t a real van Gogh, but it’s a pretty good imitation of his work, especially if he saw that the TARDIS was exploding.

I can’t wait for tomorrow though, since I’ll be able to pick up a 3D version of van Gogh’s Starry Night Over the Rhone in a wooden frame. I normally put up links for this sort of thing, but I’m going to wait and take a picture of that instead and post it up on the next blog. It’s going to cost me a pretty penny, but I think it’ll be worth it. I remember watching this episode for the first time, and realizing that I understood what van Gogh (at least the character) was going through with the depression and demons in his head. I can definitely identify with that. Plus, the way the light reflects off the 3D piece gave me a real calming sensation when I was feeling uneasy today. I’m going to put it on the wall my office faces, and I hope that it can be of better use than those “Keep Calm” posters. I really can’t wait. lol

The thing I want to get the most out of this blog is if I can help just one person with their anxiety and depression, then this will all be worth it. Here’s hoping that Vincent van Gogh can be my guy to look up to. Most of his work has been posthumously accepted as art, which he would’ve never seen coming. I’m sure he wouldn’t have seen himself as a role model for mental illness as well.

So if you ever have a chance to watch this episode on syndication or download it (legally or illegally, what do I care?), get comfortable and watch it. It’ll be one of the most heart-wrenching stories you’ll ever see.

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Reversal

Today was an interesting day for me, even though I did take my pill first thing in the morning. It was absolutely gorgeous outside, as opposed to the oppressive heat for the past few months. I was so comfortable in shorts, t-shirt, and sandals in 17C weather. It was also the first day of classes for me which was a seminar, my first, and bought one of the books on iTunes which I uploaded into my iPhone to read anytime I want. I also ended up selling off one of the biggest waste of a textbook I bought last year that I didn’t end up using because I dropped the course before mid-term season started. I ended up only losing around $60 on that mistake. I also just received an e-mail about the law team meeting this weekend, so I’m stoked about that. All of these things should be cheering me up and getting me excited about things again. So why was I feeling so pent up with a (4.5) all day?

The Day

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been feeling pretty bleh all day with these self-loathing thoughts that results in a hint of anxiety. The guys reading this can see this analogy: It’s like being knicked in the ball (notice singular) by a pointed object. It’s there, you can feel it, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do it relieve it. You can’t even sit down to rest because that’ll do nothing for the pain. That’s what today was like.

I mentioned before that I’m slightly claustrophobic, so maybe that was why. I was so used to the entire campus being empty and not having to wait in line for my coffee. I think I also expected some kind of normalcy to return to campus as well, in comparison to the less-busy winter semester. Let’s face it, all of these bright-eyed first-years (and some upper-years, too, I’ll admit that) always shows up the first few weeks of class and then the chaos peters out. My usual pasta station sucked, too. There was some chick my age who didn’t seem to give a shit about anything working there, and the food she made right in front of me sucked donkey balls. To top that off, there’s a price increase from last of over a dollar, so I think I’m going to go there sparingly this year.

What I really think started this whole thing was bumping into that new chick I mentioned in my earth sciences class during the summer. From the moment we started talking to her, there were more than a couple of guys coming by to talk to her, too. That obviously made me feel a little uncomfortable with my inadequacy issues, and to top that off, there were so many groups of people bumping into each other, which made me wonder where else were my friends and teammates to bump into? It sounds pretty stupid, but it was that childish insecurity that brought out a bit of the anxiety, and it annoyed the hell out of me.

Class itself didn’t help much, either, but I think it was because of the lack of ventilation, and we all know what the uncomfortable heat does to me. I also had an awkward inner moment where I thought about flirting a bit with someone in the hallway while waiting for our room to vacate, only to find out that she was the prof. DODGED A F%^#ING BULLET THERE. This class being a seminar, I also found it unusually edgy when I had to discuss about the issues at hand. I’m usually pretty comfortable with that sort of stuff.

When I got back, I was just hurrying myself into finishing up all the errands and chores I had to do, which really didn’t help the with the anxiety nibbling away at me. I didn’t have time to really eat all day, so when dinner came, I wolfed it down way too quickly, which gave me my first tummy ache since…before puberty.

The Lack of Fun

I realize the last couple of posts were just me rambling off about my day as if this is a journal, and I do apologize for that. Unfortunately, this blog is about my pain and suffering, but when I’m not in pain nor suffering (that much), this tends to get pretty boring. Trust me, I don’t really want to write about the trivial stuff on my anxiety either, but I think it must be done in order to find anything in statistical significance during this research.

The Somewhat Fun

So, here’s a joke for you, regarding the word, “Contagious.”

Little Billy is a shit-disturber, and his teacher knows that. One day, his teacher asked the class if they can use the word “contagious” in the form of a sentence. Little Billy immediately raises his hand, but the teacher knew better.

“Little Suzie, why don’t you start us off?”

“My Daddy always says I should smile more, because smiling is contagious.”

“Very nice, Little Suzie,” the teacher promoted. “Anyone else?”

Little Billy had his arm stretched out, but the teacher would have none of it. “Okay, Little Jimmy, how would you use the word ‘contagious’ in the form of a sentence?”

“My Daddy always says I should cover my sneezes, because colds are contagious.”

“Very good, Little Jimmy. Anyone else?”

The whole room was silent, with the exception of Little Billy trying to get the teacher’s attention.

“Fine, Little Billy, what’s your sentence?” the teacher asked, begrudgingly.

“My Daddy always says, ‘Your mother’s in the shower again?! That cunt takes ages!'”

Here’s a song. 😉

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Sports Performance with Anxiety on the Side

So I’ve been pretty busy in the past few days, prepping for that golf tournament, which I should really stop leaving these kinds of things to the last minute. I was planning on getting back in shape for it right after exams, but the heat and other errands took the better of me, so I ended up doing a mad dash of training a week prior to tee off. That’s….really not the best idea since it takes a while for the body to recover from that, as I’m feeling now. I hurt my wrist today, and I shot oh-so-horribly because of it. My knees also doesn’t feel right along with my ankles. On the positive side, the weather has really cooled down so I’ll be able to hit the gym some more and get back in shape for next season with the combination of this winter driving range I found on the other side of town. Now, if I can only get a golf course to hire me for next year…

The Business

Okay, fine, I’ll stop boring you with the awesomeness that is golf….with more golf. In the excitement of getting in my first round in golf in months, I forgot to take my pill on the morning of. I think it should be pretty obvious that I like golf a lot by now, and that’s a pretty important factor because I went well past my 24-hour decay mark without experiencing too much problems. There were instances where I couldn’t make up my mind and make quick, trivial decisions because they all seemed bigger than they were, but aside from that, it was nothing. I didn’t even get my usual headaches from not taking the pill until after I got back to my parents’ place to relax.

You may be asking yourself, “Why is this a sport performance thing when golf is not a sport?” Well…

1. Shaddap.
2. You try walking for 8 miles up and down hills with a 50lb-bag on you for four-plus hours and tell me how you like it afterwards. Even caddies should be considered athletic for doing so.
3. The emergence of Tiger Woods’ focus on optimal physical conditioning has turned golf into a sport, where many professional golfers work out as hard as they practice. Also, look at Tiger’s affairs with his wife. I’m not condoning them, but the man had nineteen different women on the side, plus, he still ran 5 miles each morning, plus, he was still winning.

Now, all that said, my practice round without the Cipralex is a pretty big deal because I only felt a hint of it. Sure, I was hitting the ball like a newbie all over again, but after a 3-month layoff without much physical activity, I think I did pretty good.

So the questions now are, is it the lack of enjoyment in everyday things causing the anxiety, or is a neurological problem? Or both? Can you still perform well with anxiety on your favourite things? Lots of questions.

The Hole of Shit

All of this golfing was held in Shithole, Ontario, so that’s where I’ve been for the past few days. I’ve come to the realization that I haven’t been as angry as I was before I started taking the pills. I still do get my road ragey moments, but they’re not as creative as they used to be, but compared to the tame insults I can come up with on the fly here in Civilization, Ontario, it’s still pretty decent. I actually came up with another statistics-based insult, regarding the lack of decency of that waste of urban space, that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to come up with here. So…maybe I need to drop by there more often? But really, who drives to that cesspool; everybody unsuccessfully tries to drive through it with all the gridlock.

Anyways, it’s really late and I should get some sack time for tomorrow. I’ve been feeling about a (3.5) for the past few days. Here’s another, totally irrelevant, random song.

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The Conclusion

Yep, that’s Raj snoring like a beast the other night, with the Quebec provincial election held in the background. His head was on my lap, and just plain passed out snoring. He even had a dream and ran for a bit. I’m pretty sure that’s normal though, since infants dream so much. Dreaming is the brain’s way of storing the new information processed during the day for more efficient retrieval. I’ve seen my cats do it when they were kittens, too. So for any other students out there, if you dream during exam season, you’re in business to rock it.

Anyways, I figured I’d give him something new to check out since he’s been cooped up in the house for the past week and a half with nothing to do but useless potheads for company, so I drove him down to my place to have some fun. The best part was when my roommate came down the stairs and Raj, in the main floor of the house, went straight for the basement stairs, growling since it was in the same area. He wagged his tail and said hi to the roommate, and then continued growling at the phantom intruder. Dumb mutt….lol

The Experiment

Day 3 (Monday) was interesting. I went to the stuffy gym for a final workout before the tournament this Sunday and the heat was too much. I managed to get over two hours in after a large sushi buffet lunch. As I’ve said mentioned some time before, I’m a bottomless pit when it comes to food. In fact, I just went 4 rounds of Indian buffet with my folks, and to those of you who have had Indian buffet with Naan, you’d know how filling that is. But running with a stomach full of sushi is not a smart thing to do.

I’m not sure if it was the heat or the alcoholic Cipralex or a combination of both, but I really wasn’t feeling well afterwards. I had this horrible headache with a touch of nausea, which was why I didn’t post anything. I was also feeling a good (5.5) that day, and felt fine yesterday at a (4.5). It should also be noted that yesterday was really muggy and I was really busy running around doing stuff, too, so that score could’ve been lower if it had not been for the weather. There was also the Raj factor so that may have also evened things out.

Day 4 (Tuesday) was when I started dropping off from the anxiety, and Raj brought it down completely. There was a bit of anxiety when Raj’s momma (my friend) was held back because of the bus being late. I think that was because of the lack of dinner; I didn’t want to eat in front of the dog because he’ll want some too. lol

So, basically, this little experiment has confirmed the previous observation made in July (the 18th): Day 2 is when my anxiety peaks. If I can draw it on a graph, I would, but think of it as a bell curve with mean being the peak. Right now, though, I feel fine, and I would give myself a (4.25) for the day. Again, I think it could be a little lower if it had not been for this.

The Shithole

I drove back to see my parents yesterday and get ready for the golf tournament Sunday. I realized that this place brings out the best in me, and by that, my anger and rage. I can’t seem to get creatively angry as I could in a civilized society (aka any other city in Ontario). For example, I’m working on another creative insult involving statistics terms and standard deviations that I came up with today. Also, the old, retired people with Alzheimer’s there are better drivers than the average driver in Shithole, Ontario.

I also saw how much this place has affected my anxiety and depression. I just hate it here. Within 6 hours of being here, I already got homesick and have a craving to be back in a civilized society. Basically, I regretted coming back so early. I’m skipping a class to come back early, too, so that my cats wouldn’t be so upset at how quickly I leave all the time. I also realized how happy I am in civilization and the changes I’ve made in myself. I swear, if I get assigned to his pathetic excuse of a shithole city, I’ll quit or ask for a transfer to Afghanistan, Haiti, or some other third world country. And bring my cats with me this time.

I have to get up early for a practice round of golf. Here’s a random song.

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Always 2nd

But first thing’s first: The..uh…”long-awaited” August results.

I have an average of (4.575) for the month, and a standard deviation of 1.17. I ended up giving an estimated average out of the missing days where I didn’t post a blog, so this should make it evened out and a bit more accurate than without posting the scores. I can always do confidence intervals and error bars to figure out how much I may be off by, but I really don’t feel like it, and I don’t think Excel can do that. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I know how to do error bars…

Compared to July, my anxiety average is an increase of almost 7%, and 9% from June. I can even say that in August, I had 8% more anxiety than the last two months combined.

After doing a t-test between July’s results and August’s, I found out that the number I’m looking for is 1.05. That’s still pretty low, compared to the first couple of months’ .0027. The magic number of statistical significance is 1.96, and 1.05 is definitely more than .0027. I think I’ll wait until next month to do a complete comparison of all four months through an even more (needlessly) complicated statistical method. While this is fun to do, it’s still tedious and boring.

I can venture a pretty good guess as to why it’s been up though: School and the Cindy Incident. June was pretty boring because I wasn’t working, I was just starting to get the hang of things in July without much pressure from school, and August was crunch time with papers and final exams. The Cindy Incident was just to top off the month.

The Experiment

I woke up today and felt pretty crummy. Not because of the awesome pizza last night with delicious cheese, but because I didn’t want to wake up. Sure, it was nice, cool, and dark in my room (I live in a basement with no windows), my phone was right there with my games, and I was so incredibly comfortable, but I should’ve really started my day earlier. I didn’t even have the motivation to make breakfast, but I made myself make it because of my weight.

Once I did get my day started though, I had a familiar feeling. I mentioned a month ago that I was on the subway system in Shithole, Ontario and felt really good for some weird reason. I had a similar feeling today on the way to downtown on the bus, but not as strong. I think it was around 24 hours that I last took my pill, so the conditions were kind of the same. I think it was also the fact that I wasn’t driving and worrying about traffic, as well as not using my own gas and money (school bus pass was effective Saturday, so it felt like I didn’t pay for my fare, even though I did with my tuition) that made me feel good about things. I’m pretty sure all the hot women in Ottawa also contributed to my slight feeling of goodness.

I also think comfort has something to do with how I feel, too. I tried out this coffee place that opened up a few months ago, and it took me a long time to get used to being there. I was feeling pretty anxious for no apparent reason, until I realized that it’s the noise in the place that had me a bit wound up. The music is quite random (from disco to folk…yeah, I’m not going to overthink that one), and the fridge is loud. I wanted to spend some time working on the lease that I’ve been putting off for a while, but no dice. I’m pretty sure that the good coffee didn’t help, either.

Another thing that wasn’t making me feel too kosher was too many people. After the coffee, I went to the mall for shorts and shoes (all as torn rags right now), and it was packed. I’m slightly claustrophobic but the fact that it’s the long weekend was fair enough. What really irritated me, however, was the smell. I tweeted wondering if the economy was so bad that people can’t afford to clean themselves anymore. It got worse on the bus when some Middle Eastern immigrant or tourist or refugee or whatever decided to sit next to me. The fact that he did that didn’t bother me, but it was the fact that he decided to make himself at home. He didn’t even try to squeeze into his seat, trying his best to avoid making physical contact with me. Nope, he just sat down and relaxed as though it was his couch on the crowded bus. Not only that, he just opened up his legs as if I wasn’t there. AND…he also hadn’t bathed in a while and completely reeked of body odour.

That’s one thing about my anxiety that I like: I’m able to go off rants that are politically incorrect and very colourful. I’ve tried to keep this as PG as I could, but I save the funnies for people I talk to. This is a blog about mental health and depression, and that kind of negativity isn’t going to help.

Things calmed down for me a bit when I got back though, but still wasn’t enough for me to focus. In fact, I couldn’t really concentrate on anything until 9:30pm when I should be winding down for sleep after a day of (6.25).

So, all in all, like everything I do, I’m always second best and the anxiety from alcohol and pills isn’t any different.

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