I forgot to mention yesterday that I was sitting at a (4.25). I still don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling so much numbing anxiety lately. Today’s been a lot better though, and that’s all because I had my cigarette.
The Stop-Gap
Today was a day off with nothing to do, but catch up on personal stuff, so I decided to go see Raj and walk him. His “mommy” happened to be a smoker and since I’ve been having such a huge craving lately, decided to grab one from her. It was almost instant relief from all the mini-demons in my head. Now mind you, this is not a solution to my problems. I used to be a regular smoker before and it was the worst thing I’ve done to myself. If anything, I don’t want to get addicted to it again. I usually get these cravings about 3 months after my last full cigarette or drag, so I should be good until December. Come to think of it, my last smoke was back in late May, so three and a half months is better!
The History
A lot of people ask why I started when I was 15 or 16. It was quite simple: I wanted to end my life then, too. A lot of people say that the threat of suicide is a plea for help, and in my case, I think these people are correct. I didn’t have much of a role model in my teenage years, and my parents really didn’t know how to parent me in a Western society. I had a catalyst into depression with my first girlfriend and I took it pretty hard. I remember all my parents told me was to focus on my school work, and didn’t really do much about it afterwards. This depression sent me to a downward spiral where I wanted to end it all, but didn’t know how. Smoking was my answer because of the health risks associated with it. It was my form of suicide, but much slower. I was really hoping that I would be diagnosed with cancer so I wouldn’t have to live.
I obviously now see how stupid dying of cancer really is, but at least it was good enough of a reason to jump off a bridge or something, because I really didn’t have the guptas to do it then, and I hope I never will. I kind of got lucky in quitting though. I was already thinking about it and how I wanted to be healthier, but the anxiety levels were really high then. On a scale from this blog, I was between (9) and (9.5) so it really scared me about thinking of quitting. Basically, it felt like the world was about to end if I didn’t have my nicotine. I believe this is what addicts on harder drugs feel like when they go through withdrawal, but physiologically, it may very well be the end of the world for them. My only out was this open-bar wedding.
To this day, I will deny this ever happened. I was drunkenly making-out with, who I call, Fuglar, the fugliest Fug in the land of Fug. If nobody has heard of that term before, it’s a very inappropriate term for “Fucking Ugly.” There is photo evidence of this…event, but I still deny it. Anyways, it’s believed that Fuglar there gave me a combination of the cold and bronchitis because the next day, I wasn’t feeling very well. Every time I inhaled nicotine, it felt like someone was sliding a knife down my throat. It hurt so much that I didn’t even want to smoke, which lasted a week. Afterwards, I thought to myself, “Let’s run with this and see where this goes.” That was six years ago, and I’ve probably smoked a grand total of a pack of cigarettes since with my quarterly cravings.
The van Gogh
Yesterday, I mentioned that I wanted to get a 3D version of a Vincent van Gogh piece. Well, here it is!
As a correction, this is Starry Night, not Starry Night on the Rhone, as I mentioned yesterday. The camera doesn’t do it justice so here’s another one that I think brings out the 3D a bit better.
This is another thing that has helped me with a bit of calm today. The lighting’s not the best in my room, but I got a lamp that does a half-decent job. There’s also that weird light line though that I didn’t foresee. Oh, well, still happy with my $50 purchase. (The frame cost almost as much as the piece…)
So because of the cigarette, playing with Raj (which also helped), and the van Gogh piece, I’ve dropped a whole point to (3.75). Now here’s a random song.
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