Comedic Suicide & Back on the Smoking Train

Sad news today. Comedic actor, Robin Williams, died today in an apparent suicide. Oddly enough, this wasn’t much of a surprise that he was suffering from depression; the suicide itself, and this soon, was.

Eerily enough, it coincided with a massive anxiety attack today that resulted in me getting back on the smoking train.

The Episode

I must’ve quit smoking about 7-8 years ago, so I guess I got that going for me. First, I just want to say that I’m not proud of myself. Like many other addicts, I found my vice. Granted, smoking is not as bad as a hard drug such as cocaine or heroin, and it’s not as bad as a gambling addiction. I’d say it’s on par with an alcohol addiction, though. It’s still bad, but what I’m trying to say is that it could be worse.

Today was just the boiling point. A lot of things built up, from work, to money, to having a metric shit-ton of things to do. I mentioned in my previous entry that we still haven’t gotten the internet installed (Day 11 right now) and still no end in sight. My original plan today was to do some personal hygiene stuff (shave my head) before I head over to campus at around 4pm to use the internet to catch up on these errands. Unfortunately for me, my toilet had other ideas and started to overflow. So now, in this shitty, shitty summer heat that I’m sweltering in, I couldn’t shower because I used all my towels to clean it up. I also had to wash said towels and hung them up so they can dry before I can take a shower.

The reason why I hate summer is because I hate sweating when I’m not doing anything. I can be standing around and still sweat; I can be in my car and still be sweating. It’s the most disgusting feeling ever and I always feel so trapped. I can’t even go home because it’s even worse, and even when I do now, it’s hard to distract myself because there’s no internet to keep me busy.

But the toilet thing was the last straw. If you’ve read the Why of the blog, I mentioned that my absolute, suicidal worst is (10). I went from a (6) to (9.5) in a flash. I also spent two hours buying things that I can’t afford to buy to fix that damn thing, and in the end, all I found was a piece of hair accessory, left behind by the previous occupant. It wasn’t what clogged it but I’ve been there since January, so who knows how long it’s been there?

In the end, I still couldn’t fix it. I had to call in sick to work later tonight because of my state of mind, something that I just can’t afford to do, but I had to do it. That pushed me back so much.

It’s been a combination of things building up over the last couple of weeks that just broke me, plus this retarded heat with retarded people adding to it by idling their cars. I saw one asshole in this Mustang idling his engine in front of my apartment while he was inside doing something or other. I had half a mind to reach in and turn it off, but in my state of mind, I could’ve killed him if he came out at that moment.

I also haven’t been able to go to the gym lately because of work. Working tiny little shifts here and there doesn’t leave me with much gas, inside of me & the car, to go to the gym. I really hate working to make someone richer.

I just looked at my latest paystub from McDicks and I’m nowhere near $2Gs. That’s pretty pathetic for the amount of work I do. The stress isn’t worth it either. I would sometimes get hours at places where my labour is going towards something good (recycling beer bottles, reffing & timekeeping hockey games), and McDicks would throw a tantrum if I switch shifts or give hours away to someone who needed it more than I do. Let’s see: a 3-hour blurb of bullshit versus an 8-hour shift that would divert thousands of pounds of waste from landfills, and that pays me (slightly) more. Tough decision….

Let that be a lesson kids: Don’t work hard for other people who will profit off you. Work hard for yourself because those who do profit off you doesn’t give two shits about your well-being. I’m so sick of this shit.

But back to the smoking thing, I actually bought a pack chain-smoked after grabbing the toilet repair stuff. After that, I was nice and calm..for all of 20 minutes, but at least it was enough to pick myself up again and keep moving. I still have the pack on me and need to get rid of it soon or else I’ll have more cravings for it. So far, I’ve smoked four sticks, and I feel disgusting because of it.

I still find it creepy that one of my worst attacks this year coincided with the suicide of Robin Williams.

So that was my shitty day. Here’s a shitty song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Temporary Relief

I forgot to mention yesterday that I was sitting at a (4.25). I still don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling so much numbing anxiety lately. Today’s been a lot better though, and that’s all because I had my cigarette.

The Stop-Gap

Today was a day off with nothing to do, but catch up on personal stuff, so I decided to go see Raj and walk him. His “mommy” happened to be a smoker and since I’ve been having such a huge craving lately, decided to grab one from her. It was almost instant relief from all the mini-demons in my head. Now mind you, this is not a solution to my problems. I used to be a regular smoker before and it was the worst thing I’ve done to myself. If anything, I don’t want to get addicted to it again. I usually get these cravings about 3 months after my last full cigarette or drag, so I should be good until December. Come to think of it, my last smoke was back in late May, so three and a half months is better!

The History

A lot of people ask why I started when I was 15 or 16. It was quite simple: I wanted to end my life then, too. A lot of people say that the threat of suicide is a plea for help, and in my case, I think these people are correct. I didn’t have much of a role model in my teenage years, and my parents really didn’t know how to parent me in a Western society. I had a catalyst into depression with my first girlfriend and I took it pretty hard. I remember all my parents told me was to focus on my school work, and didn’t really do much about it afterwards. This depression sent me to a downward spiral where I wanted to end it all, but didn’t know how. Smoking was my answer because of the health risks associated with it. It was my form of suicide, but much slower. I was really hoping that I would be diagnosed with cancer so I wouldn’t have to live.

I obviously now see how stupid dying of cancer really is, but at least it was good enough of a reason to jump off a bridge or something, because I really didn’t have the guptas to do it then, and I hope I never will. I kind of got lucky in quitting though. I was already thinking about it and how I wanted to be healthier, but the anxiety levels were really high then. On a scale from this blog, I was between (9) and (9.5) so it really scared me about thinking of quitting. Basically, it felt like the world was about to end if I didn’t have my nicotine. I believe this is what addicts on harder drugs feel like when they go through withdrawal, but physiologically, it may very well be the end of the world for them. My only out was this open-bar wedding.

To this day, I will deny this ever happened. I was drunkenly making-out with, who I call, Fuglar, the fugliest Fug in the land of Fug. If nobody has heard of that term before, it’s a very inappropriate term for “Fucking Ugly.” There is photo evidence of this…event, but I still deny it. Anyways, it’s believed that Fuglar there gave me a combination of the cold and bronchitis because the next day, I wasn’t feeling very well. Every time I inhaled nicotine, it felt like someone was sliding a knife down my throat. It hurt so much that I didn’t even want to smoke, which lasted a week. Afterwards, I thought to myself, “Let’s run with this and see where this goes.” That was six years ago, and I’ve probably smoked a grand total of a pack of cigarettes since with my quarterly cravings.

The van Gogh

Yesterday, I mentioned that I wanted to get a 3D version of a Vincent van Gogh piece. Well, here it is!

As a correction, this is Starry Night, not Starry Night on the Rhone, as I mentioned yesterday. The camera doesn’t do it justice so here’s another one that I think brings out the 3D a bit better.

 

This is another thing that has helped me with a bit of calm today. The lighting’s not the best in my room, but I got a lamp that does a half-decent job. There’s also that weird light line though that I didn’t foresee. Oh, well, still happy with my $50 purchase. (The frame cost almost as much as the piece…)

So because of the cigarette, playing with Raj (which also helped), and the van Gogh piece, I’ve dropped a whole point to (3.75). Now here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe