So I was able to head back home to civilization for a couple days last week; mostly to do some house hunting and settle some school stuff. Even as I was on the outskirts of Shithole, Ontario, I was feeling a little more positive. My entire mood did a 180 degree turnaround when I got to a small town called Tweed, where the women are a hell of a lot more attractive and knows how to be polite. It got even better when I was finally able to set foot back home. It was essentially night and day. Even the air had a noticeable difference to it because it was cleaner, and I just noticed that the sun doesn’t burn as much as it does in this dump. I think the ozone layer is thicker over there than it is here.
I was playing a few holes when I got back and I definitely felt the sun burning on me, compared to the past couple of days where I just felt warmth. It’s a very peculiar feeling.
So, all in all, those couple of days have been a good (2). You may be wondering why I’m saying this.
For the past couple of weeks, I was wondering if my panic attacks were attributed by the lower dosage of Cipralex I’ve been taking, and I can honestly say, it’s not: it’s just being in a shitty city where everybody’s spe-shul, and they think they’re uniquely special. I felt the calmest I’ve been in weeks for a whole two days and I came back feeling very refreshed, but now, not so much. I’m currently waiting for a co-worker to go out for a smoke so I can bum one off of her.
The Bloody Heat Wave
The heat wave here in the Northeast isn’t helping with it either. It’s been consistently humid as hell for the past few days since I got back and I feel so trapped. I can’t go anywhere because this weather brings out the anxiety; it’s almost like feeling claustrophobic again. I mentioned a few blogs ago (I’d link it like usual, but it’s been so long, I can’t even remember when I wrote it) about density, uncomfortableness, and aggression. I can’t think very well because of this heat right now, but I think it’s safe to say that aggression and anxiety are intertwined.
The Sports Drink
I had an interesting incident with the heat and anxiety attack the other day. The Ida Situation (which is a small situation compared to the other situations) sent me into an attack for some reason as I saw her at work, setting up for another banquet. Now, the air conditioning was running, but there were so many open doors that the humidity was still coming in, so I had a Powerade with me as I was doing the physical grunt work….during a small attack. It was pretty brutal, but still a lot better than other attacks I’ve faced (like this one). It wasn’t until i was mostly done with a 591ml bottle of the sports drink when I started feeling better about things. Maybe I was just dehydrated that also contributes to these things? It would also go back to the whole comfort thing and feeling good about life. Maybe I’ve just been so programmed (by myself) to default back to the anxiety and depressing stuff that I don’t even know what to feel when I’m uncomfortable. But at the same time, if the whole population density thing holds true, I should be feeling aggressive, and not going through anxiety.
I don’t know, it’s hot, people are talking around me as I’m writing, I can’t think straight. I’ve definitely felt a (5) in the past few days since I got back. I was even going through insomnia last night because of this heat, with the a/c on (it kept seeping into the house because it’s so old). I’m off work tomorrow and they’re calling for a ton of rain in the couple of days afterwards, so hopefully, I’ll be off until Friday. After that, I won’t have to work until late August when I’ll be back in this shithole.
Here’s a song I’ve been to put on. I actually heard it on the radio and enjoyed it.
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