New Format

I really gotta write here more than I’ve been doing….mostly because I’m running out of Bender’s “I’m back, baby!” clips on youtube. And I should be more consistent.

But it’s been pretty trying in the past few months trying to even find time to jerk off  sleep and have my life back, what with my research project thesis thing (whatever the hell the stupid school calls it to make themselves feel better). Combine that with work and well….no time. I think for the first time I’ve started writing this blog, I’m out of shape. That is how busy I’ve been.

A lot has happened since my last post. I moved! Instead of living under a complete Torontonian douchebag like I was for a year and a half, I’m living with a really cool landlady with her dog and cat. Pets certainly help with me feeling like crap every now and then, so that was a big sell point. The cat comes into my room in the middle of the night and comes on to me, so that’s the most action I’ve gotten. He’ll come in, paw across my chest, starts purring sweet nothings in my ear. So pets and air-conditioning is what’s keeping me sane this summer.

Speaking of air-conditioning and keeping me cool, the last experiment I’ve been trying to do is see if SSRIs have anything to do with my personal hatred of heat and humidity. I can honestly say that it definitely makes some kind of difference. On the hottest days, it’s still pretty bad, but at least I don’t chain smoke to calm myself down, and on the average hot days (high 20sC and low 30s), it’s still very bearable. Now, I’m comparing it to last year where I didn’t have air-conditioning and animals to keep me calm and sane, nor do I have an immature man-child for a roommate anymore so that also helps, but may also be confounding variables to this experiment. But even when I’m sweating while staying still, I don’t get as antsy as I used to, especially in my “new” (replaced) car that has leather seats. Leather seats suck, but at least I got a sunroof to let the heat out more efficiently.

I also got a few new toys in the form of a Kobo and new TV. I’ve been meaning to read more after I finished my final paper, and luck would have it that someone left behind a Blackberry Playbook. As a tablet, it really, really sucks. I’m charging it right now and the charge cable and port can’t even stay in there, like it would a Macbook Pro’s charge port, but it’s got the Kobo app and I’ve already bought a few books for me to read. I also saved enough money to buy a cheap TV from Costco because my man-child former roommate left with his TV. It’s a nice 40″ gem that I hook my Playstation 3 to. Lots of gaming to keep my mind off of the heat too, but lately, I ran into a wall with Batman: Arkham City. A lot of people say that it’s a good game, but I’m finding it incredibly frustrating. So, now, I’m trying to find money to buy a new game, probably Dead Space 3, because I like to be scared by nasty mutants. There’s also Netflix so I got plenty now to keep my mind off of my anxiety issues, especially with a ton of shows and movies to catch up on.

The Now

So what now? I got one more stupid course to do because the school wants more of my money (long story short, they hid a “sub-required” course from me and didn’t even tell me…I had to find out on my own after I finished my thesis course), but it’s a video lecture (more money sucked from me) so at least I can do that at home.

I’ve been thinking of doing something more independent in my life, and my thesis looking at suicidal ideations from a neurological point of view gave me an idea to look at depression as a whole from a neurological point of view. I would say that the majority of the population never looked at depression neurologically, but almost from a personality perspective, and to consciously overcome it. There is a current movement now where mental health is finally being compared to other physiological diseases, so I would like to look at it from that point of view. I have access to a medical database of empirical research articles on this subject from the library so I think I’ll start doing that now, but regurgitate it in layman’s terms. After reading close to a hundred research articles, it’s pretty painful. I can see why people don’t normally go looking for actual information on the internet instead of the shit-on-the-wall myths (some are true, some aren’t, much like the phrase, “throwing shit against the wall and hoping something sticks”).

After 3 years, I’m definitely running out of ideas to experiment on myself with, or at least I’m willing to experiment myself with. The next one I want to do is switch over to SNRIs next summer and see how that goes but that obviously needs to wait.

So if anyone has any ideas as to what they want to know about, tweet or DM me, or leave a comment below, and I’ll see if I can translate it from Douche Academia to regular English every Sunday.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Betty Ford Centre & My Aspirin

Thought I’d check in since it’s been a while since I wrote anything on here. Things have been incredibly busy with school. Basically, a course that’s designed for three months has been condensed to a month and a half. They’re normally 3 hours per week, but now up to 6 per. Now multiply one of those courses by three and that’s what you get. I’m actually glad I’m out of a job because I’m able to sit in my cold basement, away from this awful heat, and do something productive with my life instead of having it benefit someone else’s life. Feels pretty good. I honestly have no idea what to write right now because I’m so tired. Well, that’s a lie, I do but not sure how or which one to start off with.

The Lost Time

Okay, I guess I’ll start with what I’ve been doing and what I’ve been meaning to write about. After my little freak out Wednesday, I hit the gym the next day, and had a small attack during my workout. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a panic attack, but it was definitely something that made me feel anxious and angry, so I would give it a nice (6). Instead, I changed my shuffle to my cardio playlist which consists of mostly aggressive songs, and used it to push 250lbs…per leg..and calf, and bench somewhere between 165-170lbs (I’m not sure how exactly much the bar itself weighs). I’ve always had this theory that music can help you push yourself past the pain through adrenaline, and I want to do that for my thesis. It was also relatively hot in the non-air-conditioned gym but I forced myself to do the entire full-body workout regardless, under that much physical pain. That pain is nothing compared to the mental pain, so it was nice to push all that aggression out. The rest of the time, I was in class and going through my lectures and notes in the comfort of my cold basement.

The Physical Therapy

Oh, and I was able to get out to the driving range for a while and it felt good to drive the ball again. I’ve also been starting to use a bench designed for abs and doing side crunches also helps my power. Before, I was able to drive the ball with my 9-iron about 120 yards without rolling, but it was closer to 150 yards on the range the other day. My dad also wants me to go back and represent him for a golf tournament in September, but the timing’s a little bad so I may have to get back to him on that. Wouldn’t be too bad to show up his business buddies with my golfing skills. 😉 Or lack thereof…

The Odds

I finally figured out who a cutie in class reminded me of. Last winter, I was taking a power yoga class (for the golf) and there would be a cute blonde waiting for the beginner’s yoga class afterwards. I finally realized she was also in my Earth Science class. Now, here’s where my (biased, obscured, fucked up?) odds come in. I’m guessing there’s a 90% chances that she’s got a boyfriend, and a 95% chance that she won’t be remotely attracted to me.

As of now though, I’m feeling a (3.5); I’m not completely over the anxiety, but I’m feeling decently groovy, aside from the heat earlier today. But that’s about it. I guess I’m all caught up.

Here’s one of the songs that got me jacked up enough to do my workout.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe