Morning Post

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever written anything in the morning before. I’m still usually passed out, trying to wake up, or making breakfast. I realized when I woke up that I didn’t have anything to make my usual breakfast so I ended up going to a McDonald’s and having it there. It’s quite disgusting.

The Experimental Results

So there was another confoundedness about this experiment. It could be my pessimistic way of thinking, but it wasn’t too bad. In fact, really good things happened in the first day. I did feel quite a bit of anxiety when I woke up in the two days afterwards (4.5), but it was recognizable. The muggy weather last week certainly didn’t help with getting out of bed, but I did, and begrudgingly made breakfast. I think breakfast certainly helped with my mood as I worked 3pm-9pm at said McDonald’s (one of my four jobs), and then 10pm-12pm at the hockey timekeeping job.

Well, I love the timekeeping job so I fail to see why I would get anxiety from that. I mean, I was able to get there at 9:30, watch half a game with my buddy who was working one game, went to the one I was assigned to, and then went back to watch some more. I got paid for two games even though…I was just watching some good hockey!

I was expecting Saturday to be especially bad because I had very little sleep from watching the Kings beat the Rangers for the Stanley Cup in double overtime (boo to Kings winning, yay for what a finish to the season!), got up at 7:30am for work at the Beer Store (3rd of four) until 3pm, 3 hours in-between to catch up on errands, and started another job (4th of four) at 6pm which didn’t finish until 10pm.

This was another catering job, and I ended up meeting a cutie who was pretty cool…who also had a boyfriend of three years. Motherfucker. I wasn’t down about it or anything, but I did stop talking to her because…well, what’s the point anymore? lol So that’s Life rubbing his dirty nose into my life again. I swear, I’m going to kill that bastard.

But the thing that started off this possible confoundedness is a win. I found a league game while I was drinking my delicious beer. I need to play more league games to calm my nerves about playing them because I would always get so worked up. These things count for me because I keep tabs of my goals against average, and I usually play for really crappy teams (I guess that’s why the goalie has no issue with giving away his games when he could be doing something better). Anyways, I decided not to give too much thought to this game, even though I did end up getting there a little later than I wanted to.

I like to get to the rink an hour before puck drop so I’ll have enough time to get ready without rushing. I hate rushing. Google Maps said it would take about a half an hour to get to this particular arena and I wasn’t feeling too hot because of something I ate so I didn’t get there until half an hour before puck drop. The drive was pretty stressful, and I’m guessing it was because of the beer the night before. But I got there on time, and got dressed so quickly I still had time to watch the Zamboni do a couple more laps of flooding.

The Game

Yes, I know, I still have to get to why this experiment was so confounded. Basically, we won, 5-3. First goal was a slap shot to my face, so unfortunately, I instinctively ducked out of the way. I was screened by my own guy on the second goal, which was a soft wrister, right between my legs. I didn’t see or hear the release (puck leaving the stick usually have some kind of sound), and I did have a piece of the puck when I saw it, but it wasn’t enough. I was screened again on the third goal in the second period but it was on the pass from my right to left and couldn’t get to the other post in time to make the save.

Luckily though, most of the shots came as high slappers, and with my positional awesomeness, I make those saves 90% of the time (except for those two first ones) or they miss me and the net completely because I give them nothing to shoot at. There was also the amazing defense that didn’t dick around. I always had one guy back, they knew how to clear the puck out of my zone, and were positionally sound (except for screening me).

Another lucky thing were our power plays. We stayed out of the penalty box while the other team took two, and we converted (hockey lingo for scored) on them. We actually pulled ahead 4-3 on the last power play (really stupid time to take a penalty), and after a flurry of shots in the last minute and change that I stonewalled them on, we got the empty net goal (they “pulled” their goalie to get an extra skater out to outnumber us) with ten seconds left.

The only thing I regret not doing was my post-victory celebration, but that was because I was so gassed from that minute and change. I got stupid and went to the gym a few hours before the game too, so “tired” would be an understatement.

Now that I think about it, it could’ve been the exercise and the win that confounded this experiment.

But suffice it to say, barely any negativeness from this round of beer. I do want another one this week though, just to see what that would do. I’m thinking Wednesday again, in the middle of my work week. I’m also hoping that there would be neutral incidents, but I’ll also be at work so who knows.

There was also work in general that got me in a better mood because I was able to go a little over 30 hours with four jobs last week, and I’m just a couple of hours short of 40 hours this week. So at least I won’t have to worry about money too much for the next week. I would say that I’ve been a surprising (3.5) since the last post. I definitely expected higher because of the delicious beer.

Here’s a random song….I swear. Even though it does sort of reflect on my goalie prowess.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Experiment Take 2

This experiment is brought to you by…

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Hog’s Back beer. Well, they’re not sponsoring me, but that would be amazing. At the same time though, that would be unethically stupid. Although, that would be an interesting premise to get this blog sponsored: Getting random companies to give me money to run my experiments on myself. Again, that’s a shit-ton of ethics that would be possibly violated, but…need money. Oh, well.

That’s the most awesome picture I’ve taken in a while. I mean, what can be better? Got the Stanley Cup Finals on (Rangers won to stay alive and take it to Game 5), very local brew that’s straight from Ottawa, Ontario, and a very comfortable couch.

The Experiment

So the point of this experiment is to get a better idea of where I am with my SSRI withdrawal, because the last one was a bit of a bust. There were just way too many confounding variables to get an accurate read on my anxiety because too many things were jacking it up. There was the stupidity that is the scheduling for my psychiatrist, and then there was the screwjob by life, once again.

I’m so sick of this broken record, so I’ll make this quick. Basically, I found out that an old high school crush has been living in the same city as I’m living in for several years now. Great, hope, right? Wrong again. A week after contact, she made it official with this guy she was seeing that they’re in a relationship. Seriously, you can’t write this shit up! Even my psychiatrist was flabbergasted at “my luck,” which is in actuality, my life…who I want to drive my knee into his balls. Suffice it to say, I was at a (7), possibly higher.

But, I’m getting angry thinking about it again. I was angry for about two weeks over that and didn’t get much of a chance to hit the gym over it. I only have work for the next few days so I only have that to deal with. Hopefully nothing stupid happens…again.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

2nd Anniversary

Whether it’s a personal or business thing, I often hear people say “time flies” whenever there’s some kind of anniversary. I can honestly say that time did not fly by with this blog. lol

Today’s the 2nd anniversary of this blog, even though I’m writing it on the 30th and using the “publish later” feature for the very first time. Might as well since it’s an anniversary! Gotta do something different!

I say that time did not fly by is because it was hell. Living in today’s society, you want everything to be fixed quickly and you want things now, now, now. Mental health isn’t like that; mental health takes time. It’s a bit overdramatic, but for some reason, I always think of mental illness as an everyday, run-of-the-mill cancer. Even with cancer, it’s an aggressive treatment, while mental illness is more surgical in that you really have to pinpoint what’s wrong and then fix it gradually.

The Anxiety

In the past week or so, the anxiety has been hell, as I’ve mentioned last blog. I’m actually starting to get better with detecting my attacks from the initial symptoms. Basically, I would feel like everything needs to be rushed and done now, but I can’t bring myself to do it. My thinking would also be clouded, too. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I think it has something to do with the fear of rejection. I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why or how, so that’ll require a bit more soul searching.

Another symptom is that I would be constantly tired. I’ve almost mentioned that I’m anemic many times, so I wouldn’t know if I’m just lacking in iron or if it’s actually the anxiety; that one is a little harder to pinpoint.

The Constant Oddity

I’ve mentioned a few times over the years that wordpress has a stats section where I can look up how many people have visited my site, looked at what, and how they got here and with what search engine. The search term that comes up every other day is “Cipralax (or SSRI) and codeine.” I wrote about it last anniversary (which I just realized I did), and it still comes up. I don’t know the medical limits on how codeine works, but man, it looks like it’s prescribed more often than not! I mean, it’s been about a year and a half since I wrote about my short experience with it, so I would like to take this opportunity to say, “I don’t know” in relation to SSRIs and codeine. As I wrote in one of those post, my Doc says there shouldn’t be an interaction between them, and I don’t remember feeling anything out of the ordinary. So, I hope that instead of going through my entire homepage for the answer, this would be enough.

All in all though, this blog has been helpful, and I hope it’s been helpful to others at least, because that was the original purpose of it when I started two years ago.

So here’s an overlooked song that I’m surprised I haven’t put up yet.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Beer and Bullshit

Yeah, I really regret having two beers over this past weekend. It was great during the Walking Dead marathon, it was great during the Rangers/Habs playoff hockey game, but since Monday, it has gone downhill from there on an 80 degree angle.

Tuesday was the worst though. The head-shrinking Doc had to move our appointment back from the previous Tuesday because he forgot about some meeting elsewhere and I was told that it would be at the same time at 11am. I was pretty annoyed with that to begin with because it was coming up to a month since I saw him last. I showed up just before 11am and they told me that I no-show’d and they were going to charge me $100. I almost lost it.

$100 is a lot of money to me right now, especially when I have three jobs and I’m barely scratching 20 hours. That is some good bourgeoise bullshit right there. I already owe them $200 from previous screw ups, whether from my end or theirs, but this past week was enough for me to start thinking that universities are nothing but a money-gouging scam.

Seriously, don’t bother going unless you’re really curious and want to learn about a certain subject that you absolutely love. Aside from that, it’s so not worth it. Unless you’re in some engineering or computer program, you’re going to come out with nothing because everyone and their cats have some kind of bachelor degree out there, putting you on equal footing. I’ve heard people say that the bachelor’s degree is now the high school diploma, and that it’s an educational cold war out there in the labour market.

Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve been enjoying my experience, but if anyone’s going to rip me off, at least be up front with me and tell me that you’re ripping me off; I would respect you more for your honesty.

But I digress.

I ended up in the library, talking to my friend on Facebook who tried to calm me down. She suggested I try one of those anxiety apps and I settled on this one. It focuses on hypnotherapy, but that wasn’t the sole reason why I got it; it was free. I’m not going to lie. ;)

The catch was that for a dollar I can skip the hypnotherapist’s intro and skip straight towards the actual hypnotherapy. It’s for a dollar, and I recently got a free iTunes gift card from redeeming my Air Miles, so I figured, why not? It actually worked very well when I got back home from campus; so well that I was almost late for work.

The Hypnosis

I guess this would fall more towards a new-age-type of psychology, which I just realized that we never touched upon in university. I’ve never been hypnotized before, and from what I heard, there is a relatively small percentage of the population that just can’t be hypnotized. Suffice it to say, I was curious to see if I was, and if this app was going to do what it said it would.

A couple of sessions isn’t enough to say that it does work though, but the experience certainly was pretty cool. The guy first starts off with focusing on some spot on the ceiling, and then lulls you to sleep with his monotone voice. When he mentions, “…You’re eyes are getting heavy,” boy, howdy, does your eyes get heavy! But I think I was able to hypnotize myself before, too, because I remember focusing on something long enough with my eyes open, the eyelids go heavy regardless. I think that’s why fatigued driving is so dangerous because you’re so focused on the road for so long; you just hypnotize yourself.

The scariest part for me is that I can’t stay awake long enough and pay attention to what the guy is saying. He could be telling me to go kill some animals for all I know as I’m sleeping. But, I do know there have been numerous studies in the…late ’80s to mid-’90s at the latest that say that subliminal messaging while you sleep is bullshit anyways. So either way, Homer Simpson won’t be able to speak with such words, nor lose the weight he wanted to lose (I think he’s perfect the dumb way he is).

But all in all, I think there’s something still going on with my hippocampus with the SSRI because I don’t think the alcohol should not have affected me this badly. I don’t think it ever has when pre-Cipralex either. Strange…

Here’s a random song. Remind me to talk about this in more depth later.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Uh-oh

Well…maybe not immediately, but I sure as hell felt like it when I woke up. It’s just a feeling of everything has to be rushed, but at the same time, I don’t want to get out of bed. But going back to a couple of posts ago, the breakfast thing took most of it away, at least temporarily. I’m writing right after I devoured last night’s leftover pizza, and I feel a hell of a lot better than I did when I first woke up. I’m also starting to think that because I have no blinds, the sun is giving me a rude wake up call so that could also affect my negative mood.

I think it’s a good time to try the tylenol experiment with this and see what happens because I have a bit of a headache, and heading to a hockey game soon. Let’s see if I can screw my head back on right.

Random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Beer

So it’s been well over a year since I had beer, and almost a month since my last pill. I figured today would be a good time to have beer again since I got the entire Season 4 of Walking Dead and the NHL playoffs are still on. I kinda nursed it a bit, and I can’t even remember when I finished it, but so far, I feel pretty good. There have been very small little blurbs of anxiety and worrisome thoughts, but that’s about it. I’m starting to think that the secret is to watch my automatic thoughts, and tell myself that it’s the neurons misfiring. I wouldn’t call that “controlling it,” but…I guess if I’m acknowledging it, it helps? Food for thought.

There is something that happened late this week that usually gets said neurons misfiring. I actually found out that an old high school crush of mine has been living in Ottawa for several years now. We’re both not from here, but from Shithole, Ontario, and it’s been about 14 years or so since we last talked. So, this’ll be interesting because I remember back then, I would have all of these self-defeating thoughts that would drive anyone crazy, such as, “Where is she? She’s probably seeing someone else,” that sort of thing.

So the purpose of this experiment is to figure out where I am in terms of alcohol, mostly because one of two main reasons I had to get off the Cipralex was so that I can drink again. The other is just that the pill is starting to cost way too much because of my student insurance plan, and certain changes. There was also an experiment that I ran last year where I wanted to see if SSRIs can be used as a Performance-Enhancing Drug, which was a total flop for some unknown reason.

There was also the time when I played so horribly because I was trying to get off the Cipralex cold turkey. That one I’m not too sure what happened; it was definitely the withdrawal, but I haven’t had any problems with my game and the withdrawal since Christmas. I’m wondering if the beer can replicate the same results or if it was a combination of inexperience in net and the withdrawal.

So there’s the physical performance side of it. The other side is just how I feel in terms of anxiety and wandering thoughts as I mentioned before.

I actually took a bit of a break before I continued writing, and I can honestly say that I’m a little bit more impatient than I was earlier and those old thoughts I wrote about up top are just a bit more frequent to my liking right now. But again, acknowledging that is helping very much. There’s also a twinge of dizziness every once in a while too; I’m not sure what’s up with that, but I am tempted to take a Tylenol to see if I can narrow down what’s causing it. ;)

The California Shooting

I don’t normally talk about the shootings going on in the US because it’s too depressing. The last one I talked about was the Sandy Hook one in Connecticut back in December 2012. There have been so many since then that I would’ve failed school if I took the time to write about them all.

I would, however, like to go on record to say that the States’ 2nd Amendment with the right to bear arms has no function in the 21st century and that whoever thinks that they still need their firearms because of the British is just plain retarded. Sure, I’ve seen many Americans say that it’s also part of the war on terror, but when was the last time someone bearing arms stopped terrorism on the news? When was the last time someone bearing arms stopped two jumbo jets from flying into the World Trade Centre? I’m sure either one would’ve made the headlines, and nobody has heard anything about those stories. Mixing the 2nd Amendment with mental health issues is stupid being belief.

That said, I was reading up on this Elliot Rodger guy, and this is the scariest part of it all for me.

In the YouTube video, Rodger sits in a car and looks at the camera, laughing often, and says he is going to take his revenge against humanity. He describes loneliness and frustration because ‘girls have never been attracted to me’.

My initial thought: That could’ve been me. I was, and I still have a shit-ton of potential to be, in that dark place where, if I was given the resources, can completely lose it and go on a shooting spree, ending innocent lives. This is (was?) me. That’s why I would much rather end my life first before I end other’s.

Again, I’m not going to go into great detail about this. It could be part of my closing up about myself, but this is some scary shit for me right here to deal with.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Anxiety & Breakfast

First off, to follow up, that headache I wrote about last blog went away and I felt decent afterwards. I went to work, which blew balls as usual, but the anxiety went away though. I’m not sure if it was the fact that the headache went away or the fact that I just kept moving and took my mind off of things that worked.

The Breakfast Business

So I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, and got a bit of time to do so. What I’ve noticed is that in the morning, I would get really angry about things. For example, I’m working 3 jobs, and barely any hours to cover rent. That gets me going, especially when I read in the news about how “amazing” the economy is now. (Stupid, greedy, bourgeoisie.) But things would dissipate after I have breakfast. There were times when I would skip it in favour of just a coffee because I would get so anxious that I just want to get the day started.

I guess it’s safe to say that part of the anxiety symptoms is impatience. Looking back on my life now, I’ve been impatient in a lot of scenarios that would cause pretty bad anxiety.

But, the majority of the anxiety would disappear after I’ve eaten. This makes perfect sense, not just in an abnormal psychology perspective, because it’s food. People tend to act a little more aggressively and negatively when they’re hungry, as demonstrated here.

Okay, maybe it’s not this basic and extreme, but you get the point. There’s that whole thing about blood-sugar levels and the like that’s associated with hunger and food as well.

Suffering from mental health or not, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Without getting into the science and cause and effect of it, it starts up your metabolism, controls your weight, and I guess your mood, too, as I’m finding out now. The worst part of it though, is the time it takes to make the bloody thing. I have an awesome metabolism since I’m constantly exercising, whether it be hockey or the gym, so I’m burning calories just sitting around. My breakfast is usually just as massive, thus, takes a while to make. So here’s my usual breakfast.

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This monstrosity is based off McCrap’s Egg McMuffin, and it’s pretty easy to make, but I’ll turn it into a recipe.

Toast bread.

Add deli meat and amount of said meat of your choice.

Fry eggs on medium heat.

Add flavour to eggs, such as hot sauce (which is great for your metabolism, from what I’ve heard), salt, pepper, etc.

Add cream cheese to toasted bread.

Assemble.

Shove in mouth.

I normally have it like this or with english muffins, in which case I’ll have three. The problem with me is, because of my high metabolism, I can eat three of the ones pictured and I’d be so hungry later, but if I have two, I wouldn’t be as hungry. I guess it’s just my body storing it up for later usage, much like how it stores some food as fat if you don’t eat enough or not eat and then gorge. (Survival mechanism.) That’s just a guess.

But I gotta get my day started, just wanted to write this down before I forget again. Random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.