You know, that sounds awfully similar to Titleist. It’s a sign that I should be golfing and not playing hockey anymore. I know, it sounds weird, but I ended up hurting the entire left side of my body, from my ankle up to my wrist. Hockey’s about the only thing that’s kept me sane all school year, and resting right now blows major donkey balls. I strained my hip flexor two months ago playing ball hockey and I think I re-aggravated it again a couple of Sundays ago, playing more ball hockey. I think I’ve had enough of ball hockey and willing to make the full switch over to ice; less painful. It’s gotten to the point where I want to shut it down for the season after my last league game on Wednesday so my body can heal. I’m also planning to stay in Ottawa instead of Shithole, Ontario so I won’t have to deal with any more grief of that dump, so no golf for me.
I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, but it’s been hectic with school and trying to find a job. I just had a panic attack where I had one thought about checking myself into a hospital, but I managed to come off of it for the most part, but I’ll talk about that later on. (Suspense!)
Things are going great. Not good, but great. For the most part, I felt an average of (4) for the month of March. I went into my 5-day cycle without much of a hitch, surprisingly. I also gave my 4-day cycle a few more cycles for my brain to adjust, as I’ve mentioned last post. I haven’t even been relying on my Tylenol anymore because I don’t need to. Maybe the 4th day/cycle of getting off the SSRIs is the major hump and after that, it should be free-wheeling. As of the 26th of April, I should be okay to get off my Cipralex completely! But…there’s always a but…I may go on a 6-day cycle just to see how it goes, and if I don’t feel anything bad, I might just get off them without doing 5 cycles, as per the experiment design.
In case you haven’t heard of it, it’s a sort of dating app that’s ridiculously superficial. Basically, you either find someone attractive or not, and if there’s a mutual like, you can start talking to each other.
Possibly the greatest problem I have is that women doesn’t find me attractive in general, especially with my statistical numbers crunching, but this app sort of busted that. I say “sort of” because there are too many network variables that I don’t know about to get a more accurate estimation so bear with me here.
But what is factual is out of the hundreds of women I swiped like, only 17ish liked me back. I say “-ish” because there were a few that blocked me for whatever reason, I can’t remember and don’t know, and they were taken off my list. I’ve also set my parameters to 20-50+ years old, and distance radius at 69km, because…well, 69 is a good number. ;) Because someone has to like me back to get a good percentage, they also have to set the same parameters. Chances are, they’re not! It’s going to be all over the place. I can’t even crunch the numbers or scenarios in my head to find a remotely good guess to get anything, so I’m not going to bother to try.
What I do know, however, that out of the 17ish, I’m currently conversing with two. That gives me an 8.5% of being attractive. That’s a shit-ton better than the less than 1% I originally came up with.
There’s also the Sriracha sauce that liked me back.
Don’t tell her I’m in love with another hot sauce from Tennessee though.
The really odd part of it is, I had more liked back from women outside of Ottawa. One of the women I’m talking to is actually from a slightly shitter part of Shithole called Brampton. (The other one is from Ottawa, in case you’re wondering.)
I’m still not 100% sure if it’s this app that’s making me feel better about myself, or the hockey I’m constantly playing, or both, but something’s working right now. I guess that’s a good thing.
I’m still a little tired from my attack and can’t come up with better sub-titles. That and I haven’t written much because of school; I don’t want to write because of school. ;)
So there’s someone in my group therapy session who’s in really bad shape. Like, she’s borderline bulimic, cuts herself, suicidal and had a brother who committed suicide. I don’t remember much about details, but I remember that he had everything going for him in life, and then he just offed himself out of the blue. So basically, she has both a genetic disposition and environmental factors going against her.
I bumped into her while I was waiting for the train to get home and she was in such a sunny disposition. I remember her talking about how she puts up a happy front to people to hide what happens in her life, but I did not expect it to be that…effective. Coming from a law enforcement background, I pride myself on being able to read people, but this actually scared me since I know her deepest, darkest secrets from the group.
So that got me thinking if I am or was the same way. I know I put up a shield and a humorous front, but I also know that it’s pretty dark. Just something to ponder about, but it just goes to show that not everyone you see is “normal.”
So I’ve been freaking out for the past week or so about my finances. As I mentioned in my last post, the student loans office figured out my little quasi-legal scam over the years and just flat out screwed me. I deserve this, don’t get me wrong; whenever I know I’m doing something wrong, I always prepare myself to face the music. I danced the line between legal and illegal, and was caught. Oh, well, move on.
But as I mentioned, finding a job is giving me an attack. I haven’t been able to make rent, and I’m so hesitant about asking my folks for help. As I mentioned, I also don’t want to go back to Shithole. So I really don’t know what to do. The whole business side of things pisses me off as well. It was never how hard you work, but who you know and how well you can kiss ass. I just work hard when I need to, but I can never kiss ass.
While I was waiting for this attack to subside, I learned a new song. Here it is. I’ve been a (5.5) lately.
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