Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there!
Okay, yeah, that was lame. I’m so sorry to all my followers for not posting an update since….holy shit, JULY. Wow. But it needed to be done. I needed to get away from thinking and labelling myself as someone with anxiety and depression, and it certainly helped because my levels have been reduced down to a (2) overall. I suspect that I won’t be writing as much as I used to, but I’ll pop in from time to time, just to make it known that I haven’t offed myself or anything of the sort.
So as you can see, I’m still alive and kicking. One of the things that really helped was that I made the transition from a hockey skater to a hockey goalie.
That’s right, full Leafs colours. I spent about a thousand dollars since the summer on a mixture of new and used goalie gear, which is pretty good considering when brand new goalie gear costs upwards of $5000. While it’s not the same cardio and weight-losing workout as being a regular player, it’s a hell of a lot more fun stopping a frozen piece of vulcanized rubber traveling at high speeds. Plus, the adrenaline of making a huge save is pretty cool. I made a stretching toe save yesterday that had my bench screaming their heads off in cheers. Of course, being a goalie, I had to act all cool as if nothing happened, but that’s the fun of it.
I’m also in my ball hockey league, and we would’ve been in playoff contention if my team had shown up this season. We showed up for the first game and then forfeited the rest in a loss and two ties. Hell, I threw up the hockey signal and only five of us showed up and got demolished.
One of the things that’s really helping me realize my self-worth is the position and how hard I play. There’s a The Hockey News poll a while ago on what the most crucial position in hockey is.
In the more updated poll on the page, it’s closer to 70%. I like the pressure I put on myself to carry my team into these playoffs, but I’m just not sure how. Anyways, it’s the need for my services as a puck-stopper that I like. I don’t think I’m that good, but I’ve made some pretty good stops, and let in some even worse goals. For example, last night, I let in a couple through my 5-hole (between my legs), out of position, couple of screens where I didn’t even see the ball, and didn’t really pay attention when I should (a bit more on that later), but I made a couple of huge stops to keep my team energized.
It should be noted that we did not have any subs last night, while the other team had two, so we were out for the entire 40 minutes with only a two minute break at the half. We lost 10-4 or some ridiculous score like that, but not before I stoned this one guy alone in front with seconds left. Before that, I made a diving armpit save. Yeah, I’ll let you think about that one for a second. Basically, I was already on my butterfly for a previous save and let out a rebound, the opponent passed it to the other side, and since laterals are the hardest thing for a goalie, I made a desperation dive, flaying my arms out, and the ball was slapped into my right armpit. It didn’t hurt at first, but when I got into the shower….yeah….It felt like I just shaved my armpit with an axe that was just taken out of fire. lol
But it’s this kind of stuff that gets me going: Making save after save even though we’re down. I made a rare toe save on the ice last week that got my bench cheering, and I played it cool…as if that was routine for a goalie.
This is like a drug to me because I’m actually getting praise on doing something that I’m good at, and that I’m wanted. I missed getting a pair of equipment called the thigh boards that I was told was secondary and took a few ice shots to the thigh-knees area that turned black and blue. I also took an ice shot to the femoral artery with barely any padding; I actually took it out thinking that it wasn’t needed. lol All of this is better than the anxiety and SSRIs I’ve been trying to get myself off of.
So the main reason why I decided to write out of the blue is because I tried to get off the SSRIs. Keyword there being is “try.” I tried to ween myself off with a spread of days instead of dosage this time around, since I’m already down to the lowest dosage of 5mg, but my Doc said that it’ll just be a cycle the entire time and it won’t work. So instead, my last dosage before I tried was last Sunday. The first two days wasn’t so bad, but I was getting really bad light-headedness and constantly felt like I was going to faint. It was really bad for driving as there were a couple of close calls.
It also affected my memory too, since SSRIs targets the hippocampus, and that also has an effect on it. I was able to play hockey Wednesday and Thursday, so while it was bad, it was still controllable and it didn’t really run my daily life. By Friday, though, I couldn’t get out of the house because the panic and anxiety was so bad. It was pretty much a (9), minus the thoughts of suicide according to that scale I made. I swear, getting off SSRIs are harder than quitting smoking. Quitting smoking was easy as cake compared to this.
I finally took a pill and went for a hard skate which helped. Saturday was pretty much a recovery day sitting at a (6.75), and Sunday before my game was a (6). It stayed pretty high at that point after the game, but it was surprisingly very controllable.
I was just looking back and read that it took a few days for my pill to kick back in, but it’s been pretty good lately. The panic and anxiety are not only controllable, but dwindling in frequency. Hockey would still be the most helpful thing, too, since I don’t have to pay for it; I just have to find time this week.
But I think that’s all I’m going to write this time around. Again, don’t expect this blog to be written very frequently. I know that I’ve mentioned in previous entries that I would like this blog to help others, but I think I’ve finally realized that I need to get myself better first…and that’s taking 80mph+ slap shots to the face with a frozen piece of vulcanized rubber.
Here’s a random song….yeah, I really couldn’t think of an actual song all this time.
Follow me on Twitter (if you’re curious if I’m alive after a while of not blogging) @288theabe.