So this is another one of those rare posts that I schedule for a later date. I’m writing this before August has ended and the reason this time is because this particular incident hasn’t been resolved yet. At the same time, we all know what happens when I give regular updates on incidents: They end, most of the time with me being rejected for some asshole. At least this time, I know it’s going to end, and rightfully so for some other asshole.
One of the great things about suffering from depression is the hiding. I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding things over the many, many years, and it translated to my old law enforcement profession. I don’t like doing it, but sometimes, it has to be done.
The point of that is, I was trying to get to something that I’ve been avoiding to write about since June, but looking back, I really didn’t write enough to warrant any type of dropped hints, so….yeah….hahahaha…
Basically, I want to re-punch life in the face…not that I’ve punched him already. I just had another Another Incident. I fought hard against this one, too. She’s 19 and the maturity level didn’t really match up and does things that kinda annoys me. We met while I was working at McDicks back in May (which, if all goes well, I should be gone from that shitty place now), and she definitely showed interest in me from the get-go. It wasn’t anything obvious, more like..the attention. I tried my best to ignore her, basically let her know that I’m not interested, but no……she just had to be fucking persistent.
So we hung out. A lot. Because I’m a moron. At one point, she was in the area I live in, hiding from something or other, so I had her up in my room before the start of her shift at work. Nothing happened, but we did break the touch barrier, and it just went downhill from there.
Well…downhill in the fact that I was starting to be able to tolerate her. Stupid human contact…why must Harlow notice this shit?
So, on a Sunday, I had her over for dinner where I cooked spaghetti for her (and the roommate, in exchange for the television to ourselves and he stays in the room ;) ). Apparently, that’s a very good thing. The great part was, she dressed with a bit of class. The bad part was, I had to dress with a bit of class. We were also watching Super Troopers because she’s really into cats and there’s an amazing scene. Yeah, I realize that movie isn’t the greatest date night movie, but I wanted her to watch something while I cook. Don’t really like pressure while I cook….
The thing that irks me the most (sort of…not really…irked me post hoc) was when I put my arm around her and she leaned right in. Life, you are a motherfucker because that actually pumped a shit-ton of endorphins through my brain, and I remember thinking, “Oh, so that’s what it’s like to be wanted. That is nice!”
So what’s the problem, you ask?
The problem is, she’s heading out east for school in September. In another province, in another time zone. So much like the Another Incident, I get teased and screwed, yet again.
We both agreed that a long-distance thing isn’t going to work out, and I don’t really see myself with her in the long-term. Yeah, that sounds pretty asshole-ish, but I’ve heard of people doing worse. Also, I didn’t see myself quitting smoking 8 years ago either, and I’m more or less not a smoker…much. (Well, I put in the effort.) So who knows what would’ve happened.
Things just got a little weird after that, or maybe it’s just me. I tried to take her to this Mosaika thing on the following Thursday, but she said she was busy. Oddly enough, my first initial automatic thought was her hanging out with her friends for the last time in a long time, and getting ready for the move. In the past, it would be that she just doesn’t want to see me. So, progress! It also rained like a bitch too, so an outdoor event at night was certainly out of the question. (Lots of sitting on grass.)
I tried to just hang out with her one more time in general, but she gave me some weird thing about how she was trying to decide whether to hang out with me or some old friend who pushed her down some flight of stairs. I don’t know, I know she’s bad news in the long run, but at the same time, still doesn’t make it any less hurtful.
One of my guesses are that she doesn’t want to go through saying goodbye, and unfortunately, I do.
But, no…Life just has to be a fucking cockteasing bitch.
Lately, I’ve been going through so much going on in my mind that even the gym can’t cure. It’s gotten so bad that I’m getting insomnia; something that doesn’t usually happen to me (although, runs rampant with people who have anxiety and depression problems). On a lighter note, it took me three days to realize that I’ve had this anti-anxiety app on my phone that knocks me right out. That could’ve come in handy.
So now, no matter what happens, no matter what I do, being wanted by someone is out of my grasp, yet again.
Fuck you, Life, you cunt. There isn’t a word in the English language to describe how much of an asshole you are.