Pics

I’ve been meaning to put these up after taking their photographs and it always slips my mind whenever I write. I’m just going to photo-clusterbomb it all in one post so I delete them from my hard drive forever.

The Porno

I’ve mentioned that I like to keep track of who visits my page and from where. Another thing I like to check out is how people find me through search engines. This is one I found back in mid-February and I still have no idea that this sequence of words made any sense at all.

 

 

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I mean, were they having an orgy while overdosing on SSRIs…? I really wouldn’t recommend that!

The Star Wars

During the holidays, my mum got me the LEGO Y-Wing and I immediately assembled it when I got back home. It really put me in my happy place as I just zoned out everything and started building. It got so happily bad that I bought two more…neither that I can afford to.

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Yeah, they look kick-ass and they did an excellent job of controlling my anxiety and its attacks, but…it pretty much pushed it back and created more now that I’m broke. Oops!

My counsellor and people in group therapy told me that it’s a good thing, and that it’s better than getting high off heroin; which, price-wise, isn’t that much different. I still feel guilty, but I still play with them while making the screeching noise the TIE Fighter makes.

The Do It For Daron

My regular readers (if they’re still around since I don’t post enough) would know that I started out in hockey as a skater first before I transitioned into goalie this past October. Last year, while I was still assembling my skater gear, I bought a DIFD sticker for the back of my bucket. I went back to the store I bought it from and got another one for my goalie bucket.

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For those of you who don’t know, DIFD stands for the subtitle I gave this section: Do It For Daron, and this is the story behind it.

The Exam Season

I took this picture last semester, and totally forgot about it until now.

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Granted, this is only for Ontario, but if this exists here, then chances are, something similar exists outside of it. Use it. I think I’ll need its services soon myself…

That’s it for now. I’ve been feeling a (4.5) since my last post. I’m still feeling very antsy about securing a job here and about my finances. Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Title-less

You know, that sounds awfully similar to Titleist. It’s a sign that I should be golfing and not playing hockey anymore. I know, it sounds weird, but I ended up hurting the entire left side of my body, from my ankle up to my wrist. Hockey’s about the only thing that’s kept me sane all school year, and resting right now blows major donkey balls. I strained my hip flexor two months ago playing ball hockey and I think I re-aggravated it again a couple of Sundays ago, playing more ball hockey. I think I’ve had enough of ball hockey and willing to make the full switch over to ice; less painful. It’s gotten to the point where I want to shut it down for the season after my last league game on Wednesday so my body can heal. I’m also planning to stay in Ottawa instead of Shithole, Ontario so I won’t have to deal with any more grief of that dump, so no golf for me.

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, but it’s been hectic with school and trying to find a job. I just had a panic attack where I had one thought about checking myself into a hospital, but I managed to come off of it for the most part, but I’ll talk about that later on. (Suspense!)

The Experiment

Things are going great. Not good, but great. For the most part, I felt an average of (4) for the month of March. I went into my 5-day cycle without much of a hitch, surprisingly. I also gave my 4-day cycle a few more cycles for my brain to adjust, as I’ve mentioned last post. I haven’t even been relying on my Tylenol anymore because I don’t need to. Maybe the 4th day/cycle of getting off the SSRIs is the major hump and after that, it should be free-wheeling. As of the 26th of April, I should be okay to get off my Cipralex completely! But…there’s always a but…I may go on a 6-day cycle just to see how it goes, and if I don’t feel anything bad, I might just get off them without doing 5 cycles, as per the experiment design.

The Tinder

In case you haven’t heard of it, it’s a sort of dating app that’s ridiculously superficial. Basically, you either find someone attractive or not, and if there’s a mutual like, you can start talking to each other.

Possibly the greatest problem I have is that women doesn’t find me attractive in general, especially with my statistical numbers crunching, but this app sort of busted that. I say “sort of” because there are too many network variables that I don’t know about to get a more accurate estimation so bear with me here.

But what is factual is out of the hundreds of women I swiped like, only 17ish liked me back. I say “-ish” because there were a few that blocked me for whatever reason, I can’t remember and don’t know, and they were taken off my list. I’ve also set my parameters to 20-50+ years old, and distance radius at 69km, because…well, 69 is a good number. ;) Because someone has to like me back to get a good percentage, they also have to set the same parameters. Chances are, they’re not! It’s going to be all over the place. I can’t even crunch the numbers or scenarios in my head to find a remotely good guess to get anything, so I’m not going to bother to try.

What I do know, however, that out of the 17ish, I’m currently conversing with two. That gives me an 8.5% of being attractive. That’s a shit-ton better than the less than 1% I originally came up with.

There’s also the Sriracha sauce that liked me back.

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Don’t tell her I’m in love with another hot sauce from Tennessee though.

The really odd part of it is, I had more liked back from women outside of Ottawa. One of the women I’m talking to is actually from a slightly shitter part of Shithole called Brampton. (The other one is from Ottawa, in case you’re wondering.)

I’m still not 100% sure if it’s this app that’s making me feel better about myself, or the hockey I’m constantly playing, or both, but something’s working right now. I guess that’s a good thing.

The Realization

I’m still a little tired from my attack and can’t come up with better sub-titles. That and I haven’t written much because of school; I don’t want to write because of school. ;)

So there’s someone in my group therapy session who’s in really bad shape. Like, she’s borderline bulimic, cuts herself, suicidal and had a brother who committed suicide. I don’t remember much about details, but I remember that he had everything going for him in life, and then he just offed himself out of the blue. So basically, she has both a genetic disposition and environmental factors going against her.

I bumped into her while I was waiting for the train to get home and she was in such a sunny disposition. I remember her talking about how she puts up a happy front to people to hide what happens in her life, but I did not expect it to be that…effective. Coming from a law enforcement background, I pride myself on being able to read people, but this actually scared me since I know her deepest, darkest secrets from the group.

So that got me thinking if I am or was the same way. I know I put up a shield and a humorous front, but I also know that it’s pretty dark. Just something to ponder about, but it just goes to show that not everyone you see is “normal.”

The Attack

So I’ve been freaking out for the past week or so about my finances. As I mentioned in my last post, the student loans office figured out my little quasi-legal scam over the years and just flat out screwed me. I deserve this, don’t get me wrong; whenever I know I’m doing something wrong, I always prepare myself to face the music. I danced the line between legal and illegal, and was caught. Oh, well, move on.

But as I mentioned, finding a job is giving me an attack. I haven’t been able to make rent, and I’m so hesitant about asking my folks for help. As I mentioned, I also don’t want to go back to Shithole. So I really don’t know what to do. The whole business side of things pisses me off as well. It was never how hard you work, but who you know and how well you can kiss ass. I just work hard when I need to, but I can never kiss ass.

While I was waiting for this attack to subside, I learned a new song. Here it is. I’ve been a (5.5) lately.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Winter

It’s March. I see that it is currently snowing where I live. I’m still experimenting with my Cipralex and if I didn’t know I was experimenting, I would be thrown in on a massive, psychadelic trip. The good part is, it’s cold and I don’t have an air-conditioner. I hate sleeping in the heat because it’s so uncomfortable and gives me anxiety whenever I can’t fall asleep. So there’s that, and I’m hoping that this summer is going to be a lot cooler than it has been in recent years.

The Experimenting

I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last post. February’s normally mid-term season so I’ve been bogged down with school stuff. So I’m on my 4-day cycle now, and it’s been very interesting. I felt that I should’ve kept going during my 3-day cycle, but moved into a 4-day anyways, but I think that five cycles isn’t enough when it’s this far apart.

One of the most interesting things was that I was getting headaches and pretty heavy doses of anxiety and depression at the beginning of the cycle. Before, it used to be at the end of the cycle, and the Cipralex would take care of it, but at the start of the 4-day cycles, it was bad enough that I couldn’t even concentrate. I pushed through anyways, and at my sixth cycle so far, it’s starting to level out. I actually want to stay at this level for now, since I got a couple of things that requires my full, sane attention, like hockey and assignments.

The Experimenting Revelation

I mentioned back in November, when I started blogging again that it was hard for me to quit the Cipralex cold turkey. The symptoms I described above were reminiscent of that time, but I decided to do something about it: I took a tylenol. I wanted to get rid of the headache and the dizziness at least, but it worked way too well.

Even the negative self-thoughts were gone. 

I felt that needed it’s own, one-sentence, italic’d paragraph on its own because it was that freaking effective. It was incredible. I’d say in less than half an hour, 95% of the physiological symptoms and thoughts were gone. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s a complete replacement for getting off SSRIs, but it’s a hell of a bandaid for it…more like gauze.

I’m actually tempted to go back on the Cipralex full-time, get off of it, and try the Tylenol thing to get off of it completely!

The Current Update

But all-in-all, things are okay. The student loans here finally figured me out and screwed me on my funding, so now I’m scrambling to find a fast-food job for the time being. There’s a bit of anxiety to that, but for some reason, I’m not too worried.

I’m also one more law course away from completing my degree, but another semester for my psychology portion to fully graduate. There’s a bit of anxiety there as I’m trying to figure out what I want to do. Part of me wants to just stay under the radar and live out my life playing a massive amount of hockey, while working at some bullshit job. Add upgrading my marks to get into a masters program, I’m set. But another part of me is wondering if it’s just fatigue from being in school for so long that i just want to take a break. I do want to take a vacation out east and golf along the Atlantic ocean though, or some massive body of water like the Bay of Fundy. I figured if I watched hockey in the west coast of Vancouver, I might as well do this.

Here’s a not so random song. I really got into this band not too long ago, and this song perfectly exemplifies depression and anxiety.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Quiet

This has been me this past weekend.

I’m on my second round of my 3-day cycle, and I guess all things are going as planned since I’m up to a (6). I kept on the 2-day for another couple of cycles just so my hippocampus can adapt. I also think it’s because I’ve been pushing my body to its limits for the past two weeks, and I just didn’t want to get up. I was exactly like those people in that commercial. It got so bad that I actually bought an $80 Lego TIE Fighter and put it together in less than a day. It was good because it got the thoughts to shut the hell up for a few hours, and really killed the time.

Killing time actually makes more sense to me. I re-joined group therapy for a third time in my university career, and this one seems like it’s helping a bit more so far. A few of the members have commented that they don’t like being alone because their thoughts and anxiety would just consume them and they end up doing something else. Granted, Legos is freaking expensive as hell, and I might as well take up heroin; it’ll cost the same. There’s also hockey, but my body has had enough so far. I’ve also been jonesing to do some golfing, too, but since it’s winter in Canada, and there’s still a bit of a remnant of that polar vortex thinger. Kinda hard to golf when there’s snow on the ground and the golf ball is also white. If I can get a blue-coloured Pro V1x ball, that would help. Trespassing is not an issue. ;)

But the thoughts thing I can relate to. It was bad enough this morning that I went for a 4-hour drive to get eggs. Yeah, I could’ve gotten it from a grocery store, but getting from a farm is so much better. The egg whites are so much more…fuller than supermarket crap. I’ve always liked those long drives better than getting to the destination. I usually listen to podcasts that makes me laugh, sing along to songs that does wonders for my lungs, and those things usually helps. I can’t do that while sitting somewhere because I’ll just get so restless, and I can’t sing for the life of me; I won’t put anyone through that torture.

The Work

I still have such busy week ahead of me, so I’m a little concerned. I have a hockey game which I’m trying to lead my team out of a goose egg in the win column (goose egg=zero) for ice hockey, going to a Red Bull Crashed Ice qualifier on Saturday (which I know I won’t make, but it’s going to be a hell of an experience), and then another ball hockey game with the same idea.

I’m also getting really annoyed with hockey too. I haven’t had a win since September. Granted, I’ve been playing ice with the most random teams as a “rental” (they just use me when their goalie can’t show up), but still…I want a win, and it’s frustrating. My Goals Against Average (GAA) since I started playing again in October is an even 5, which is (weird because an average should have decimals, and) is pretty decent for someone playing in beer leagues, that doesn’t have much defense. My last three games in both ice and ball hockey, I let in 5, 2, and 3 goals, with a GAA of 3.33, which, I think, just a smidge above average all things considering, but I know I can do better; maybe get an average of under 3 from those games.

As a bit of a stats nut, I have a GAA this season of 4 on the ice, and 6 in ball, which is about the same as my overall, so at least I haven’t statistically worsened . Coming off Christmas and bronchitis doesn’t help either, and I still have so much to do to get back in shape. All this for a stupid shirt. lol

On top of all that, I still have this “school” thing to do. I have 2 assignments, and a mid-term to slay next week, all on top of the training. It still boggles my mind, though, that after this semester, I’ll be eligible to graduate with a pre-law degree. I still have one more semester to go if I want to get my psychology degree as a double major, but it still blows my mind that I’ve worked hard enough to graduate university with a  single degree.

Well, that was a bit of a tangent, but that’s what I’ve been going through. I think I’ve already given up on women, especially with the last one, and resigned myself on an early death by my own hand, so I’m trying to enjoy what’s left of my life as much as possible now.

Overall, the cycles seem to be taking and everything seems to be working. I’m not 100% sure if the anxiety evening out by the 5th cycle is really caused by the hippocampus adapting or if it’s more of a placebo effect, but I am very sure that it’s not the latter. I can’t wait until I finish my 5-day cycle and even out so I can finally drink beer again. I’ve been dry for about two years now and it’s really pissing me off. I’m even thinking about going to a 6-day cycle for a bit, just to try it out and see what happens, so who knows.

Still gotta find something to quiet down the thoughts now that I’ve completed my TIE Fighter. I know school won’t help.

Here’s a not-random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

The Cyclic Hump

So it’s Monday, January 13th. I’ve gone through five cycles of taking my Cipralex every two days and I’m still alive. My cold is almost gone, but it’s being stubborn right now. I’m starting to think it’s bronchitis because it feels something like the same coughing as last year. I was able to run a small experiment with codeine and Cipralex, and, since I’m waiting in the doctor’s office now, I’m hoping they give me more coughing syrup laced with codeine. ;)

But in terms of the Cipralex cycles, I feel pretty good. There are still some blips where I get anxiety and light-headedness, but that’s about it. I feel pretty good, and I don’t think my ice hockey goalie skills hasn’t degraded. (Although, I still have to burn off lots of Christmas ham…) I also have a shit-ton of my stuff to unpack, so that isn’t helping that much either.

What has been surprisingly helping is Lego. Yeah, go figure that one out. My parents got me the Lego Y-Wing for my birthday a month back and I’ve finally been able to put it together in the past few days. It’s actually pretty therapeutic, and gives me a sense of accomplishment. Instead of doing school crap or unpacking, I’ve been building that. Oops.

All in all though, I’d give myself a (3.5); the (.5) is for the little blips I’ve been feeling. I want to run this cycle for another week or two, just to stabilize myself and make sure that it’s working the way it’s supposed to work before I move on to a 3-day cycle. I have a feeling that it’s not taking, but that could be the anxiety or what nots.

Here’s a random song that reflects pretty well on this line of psychology. I apologize for who sings it though.

 

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe. Or, since I noticed someone found my blog through the search terms, “sleep and cipralex,” ask me something on Twitter. The whole point of this blog is to help.

Soft Ween

I was just telling my friend about this and gave this weening procedure a new name. That sounds SO perverted, it’s hilarious! :)

So, yeah, I think I jinxed myself with that last post, but at least it was an interesting experience. It almost felt like getting back on the Cipralex all over again. It felt like it was wearing off Sunday evening when I was having those self-defeating thoughts again. Basically, I spoke a bit to the foreign exchange chick before I hit the sack that night and she wasn’t being very responsive; nice, but unresponsive. At least that’s what it felt on my end anyways. It really isn’t logical since she lives on the other side of the world and there really isn’t any chance with her because of that; I think the vast majority reading this would concur, unlike my previous “delusional” situations. So there was that, and then the weird, vivid dreams that SSRIs always make.

The Dream One

I think this was the same night after talking to the FX chick. In this dream, I almost lost it on someone who tried to tell me to relax because a certain coffee shop on campus opened early in the morning, closed at 9am (when everybody on campus needed coffee!), and then re-opens later. Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense from a business point of view, but it’s a freaking dream. Since when do they ever make any sense?

I think I sort of woke up afterwards and went back to sleep after I reined myself back in against my dream target. It definitely felt like one of my illogical anxiety attacks, bordering on anger though.

The Dream Two

This was either last night or the night before, so that’s why I remember it so much better than the last one. I was closing up this supermarket that was really dark and operating on generator lights. This guy was stealing some cooked burgers from the frozen food section (yes, because every supermarket has their cooked burgers in the frozen food section) right in front of me. Since I used to work loss prevention, I knew the drill and followed him out of the store, to the point where I jumped out of nowhere in front of him as he was being pursued by another employee. (See? Vivid.)

After a while of processing, I found out (illegally, now that I think about it, because I rummaged through his wallet lol) that the guy lived in the poorest area of wherever I was. So I felt bad because I felt/thought I was busting someone who was just trying to feed his children (they were somehow in this…).

We also found out that he was in trouble with that particular store before….because all supermarkets carry a list of offenders with them.

So that’s pretty much the two trippy dreams that I remember over the past few days. But looking at the cycles on my calendars now (it feels like I’m talking about my menstrual cycle), it’s usually the first five cycles that are the worst humps to go through. That’s what it was like when I was adjusting to dosages: The first five days of taking it daily were always the roughest, so I’ll have to re-evaluate on January 12th, which is the end of the five cycles for this new 48-hour…cycle. Um….CYCLE. So many uses of that word in that one sentence.

So there’s an update. Anxiety-wise, it hasn’t been too bad, except for the rush to get back to school. (4.5) I’m still stuck in Shithole because of this cold. I want to be back soon so I can play hockey and work out instead of doing nothing all day. I’m also feeling some anxiety about moving again and how long that will take.

Oh, and I was feeling a good (4) for the past couple of blogs. I keep forgetting to put updates down. The reason why I say that it’s “working,” is because it’s usually a hell of a lot worse than (4)s when I was weening off cold turkey in Novemberand changing dosages. But then again, this could also suggest that my hippocampus is very close to being fully repaired; I’d guess in the 95% range.

Here’s a random…song….if you can call it that.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.

Cake

I’m probably gonna jinx it, but this is easy! It very well could be that it’s this damn chest cold that’s taking my mind off of it, but I felt almost nothing. I think I had a blurb of anxiety earlier today, but it disappeared pretty quickly. I really think this can work and should be a new way of weening off SSRIs. It’s a little bit more thinking and scheduling, but it sure as hell beats the alternative of going off cold turkey like I did last time.

Speaking of which, I really don’t think it’ll affect my hockey. I’d love to test that hypothesis out tomorrow, but my chest cold may confound the save percentage and reaction time a bit. (Not that I’m taking empirical evidence of that.) Hopefully, it won’t affect it at all. I mean, I’ve been in this shithole for almost two weeks and I haven’t really lost it on anybody…yet, and I was losing my shit over the summer here. So, right now, who knows, but it’s definitely worth giving a shot for anybody reading this and getting off any SSRIs.

Here’s a random song.

Follow me on Twitter @288theabe.