A few months ago, I saw a familiar face on Tinder. It was an old high school crush from Shithole, Ontario who has been living in Ottawa for the past 8 years. I didn’t mention her before because within a week after I made contact, she made it official with some pothead. That sent me in for another one of those “Life’s a cunt” few days, and for some reason, I never really bothered to write about it until now. Anyways, now that that’s done, I re-made contact with her last week, and we went on this 4-hour bar date a couple of days ago to catch up.
The “Shocker” moment came when we were reminiscing about how we met, and I don’t even remember the most important part. We were both 16 at one of her friend’s sweet 16 birthday party. Apparently, that’s a pretty big deal in the Filipino culture and since this mutual friend had this massive crush on me, I was invited and I went. This was over 15 years ago and if I can’t remember this shocker, then I obviously don’t remember much on details, so bear with me. That’s where I met….shit, I’m running out of obscure chick’s names here…uh…Deborah, yeah, that’s a pretty old and obscure name that’s hardly being used anymore. That’s where I met Deb. I remember having the biggest crush on her after that, but because of my massive fear of rejection, it was hard for me to make any kind of a move. I remember we went to the movies a couple of times, but I couldn’t seem to get past the touch barrier back then. That, and her father scared the living fuck out of me. Something about it being forbidden for her to date guys at that age. Looking back on her Facebook pictures now, her dad still scares the living fuck out of me. Dude looks like he spent his entire life bodybuilding!
Anyways, the shocker moment came when she told me about something I did that was so profound that she still remembers it to this day, even when I don’t. Apparently, she was having problems with her stilettos or some kind of women formal shoes, and I did something like “taking command” and told her to sit down while I rubbed her feet. Something along those lines, and I appeared very confident. She even remembered how I was rubbing her feet. Where the hell did that fucking kid go???? GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!! Twit…
Apparently, that was a big turn on. Apparently, that also happened! Really didn’t sound like me back then, but it also sounded like she was so floored by that that she had to tell me about it 15 years later. Guys left, right, and centre were talking to her, asking her out, but she said that she wanted that 16-year-old me to ask her out, and she would’ve said yes that night.
I don’t remember any of this.
Pretty sure this happened in an alternate universe where unicorns reigned supreme and ruled over humans with an iron fist.
I remember the party, but I don’t remember disappearing with her somewhere to massage her feet because they were hurting. In fact, our mutual friend with the massive crush on me was wondering where we were, again, apparently.
According to Deb, I also apparently broke the mutual friend’s heart. There was something about that chick’s eyes that really scared the living daylights out of me; they weren’t…aligned. To be fair (to me), I’ve always had this thing against eyes. It all began with my fish phobia so I’m going to fall back on that.
But, yeah, that’s the shocker: I was, apparently, a real debonair when I was a teenager, at the start of all this anxiety attacking, depression craziness. Stupid cortisol levels, killing my hippocampus…
If I had a time machine, I would travel back to that night, told my younger self to get inside Deborah’s pants, and if he didn’t, I would travel a couple of days ahead to slap him upside his head for being a moron. I would probably have concussion issues in present day, but at least I would feel better that I took it out on myself.
So that’s it. That’s the shocker. I was a real ladies’ man when I was a teenager and reverted to…this. It’s like a case of whatever the hell Benjamin Button had, but with female luck. Motherfucker.
Obviously, I’m going to see Deb again, just not sure when as hockey season is starting up this week, and along with school and work, I’ll be quite busy. Oh, that motherfucking 16-year-old me…I am so going to kick his ass…
Here’s a song I really liked back then. The first couple of seconds really repeats what I’ve said…
Follow me on Twitter @288theabe. Or follow my younger, more confident self pre-Twitter because he’s that much more awesome…that bastard…get back here!