Sad news today. Comedic actor, Robin Williams, died today in an apparent suicide. Oddly enough, this wasn’t much of a surprise that he was suffering from depression; the suicide itself, and this soon, was.
Eerily enough, it coincided with a massive anxiety attack today that resulted in me getting back on the smoking train.
I must’ve quit smoking about 7-8 years ago, so I guess I got that going for me. First, I just want to say that I’m not proud of myself. Like many other addicts, I found my vice. Granted, smoking is not as bad as a hard drug such as cocaine or heroin, and it’s not as bad as a gambling addiction. I’d say it’s on par with an alcohol addiction, though. It’s still bad, but what I’m trying to say is that it could be worse.
Today was just the boiling point. A lot of things built up, from work, to money, to having a metric shit-ton of things to do. I mentioned in my previous entry that we still haven’t gotten the internet installed (Day 11 right now) and still no end in sight. My original plan today was to do some personal hygiene stuff (shave my head) before I head over to campus at around 4pm to use the internet to catch up on these errands. Unfortunately for me, my toilet had other ideas and started to overflow. So now, in this shitty, shitty summer heat that I’m sweltering in, I couldn’t shower because I used all my towels to clean it up. I also had to wash said towels and hung them up so they can dry before I can take a shower.
The reason why I hate summer is because I hate sweating when I’m not doing anything. I can be standing around and still sweat; I can be in my car and still be sweating. It’s the most disgusting feeling ever and I always feel so trapped. I can’t even go home because it’s even worse, and even when I do now, it’s hard to distract myself because there’s no internet to keep me busy.
But the toilet thing was the last straw. If you’ve read the Why of the blog, I mentioned that my absolute, suicidal worst is (10). I went from a (6) to (9.5) in a flash. I also spent two hours buying things that I can’t afford to buy to fix that damn thing, and in the end, all I found was a piece of hair accessory, left behind by the previous occupant. It wasn’t what clogged it but I’ve been there since January, so who knows how long it’s been there?
In the end, I still couldn’t fix it. I had to call in sick to work later tonight because of my state of mind, something that I just can’t afford to do, but I had to do it. That pushed me back so much.
It’s been a combination of things building up over the last couple of weeks that just broke me, plus this retarded heat with retarded people adding to it by idling their cars. I saw one asshole in this Mustang idling his engine in front of my apartment while he was inside doing something or other. I had half a mind to reach in and turn it off, but in my state of mind, I could’ve killed him if he came out at that moment.
I also haven’t been able to go to the gym lately because of work. Working tiny little shifts here and there doesn’t leave me with much gas, inside of me & the car, to go to the gym. I really hate working to make someone richer.
I just looked at my latest paystub from McDicks and I’m nowhere near $2Gs. That’s pretty pathetic for the amount of work I do. The stress isn’t worth it either. I would sometimes get hours at places where my labour is going towards something good (recycling beer bottles, reffing & timekeeping hockey games), and McDicks would throw a tantrum if I switch shifts or give hours away to someone who needed it more than I do. Let’s see: a 3-hour blurb of bullshit versus an 8-hour shift that would divert thousands of pounds of waste from landfills, and that pays me (slightly) more. Tough decision….
Let that be a lesson kids: Don’t work hard for other people who will profit off you. Work hard for yourself because those who do profit off you doesn’t give two shits about your well-being. I’m so sick of this shit.
But back to the smoking thing, I actually bought a pack chain-smoked after grabbing the toilet repair stuff. After that, I was nice and calm..for all of 20 minutes, but at least it was enough to pick myself up again and keep moving. I still have the pack on me and need to get rid of it soon or else I’ll have more cravings for it. So far, I’ve smoked four sticks, and I feel disgusting because of it.
I still find it creepy that one of my worst attacks this year coincided with the suicide of Robin Williams.
So that was my shitty day. Here’s a shitty song.
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